random happenings

The other day I had fed the kids breakfast already and hadn't gotten around to eating myself, so I asked Eva what I should make.
Eva "Applesauce" - I've never been a big fan of applesauce.
Me "What else?"
Eva "Chocolate" - this is why she and I get along so well :)
Me "Okay...anything else?"
Eva "Yogurt"
Me "I had some yogurt already, what else should I have?"
Eva "Frosting" - I just love this girl

So lately, I feel like I'm going crazy. If it's not work it's family, if it's not family it's personal, if it's not personal it's work...it's a vicious cycle of stress, fast food, chocolate, and occasional crying and yelling. My poor husband sure puts up with a lot. He's been so great. Both he and I have been under a lot of stress. He handles it by throwing himself into work (ironically enough that's where about half of his stress comes from...at least in my eyes.) I handle it by binge eating, crying, or talking about it. Neither approach seems all that healthy.

Hmmm...I'll have to put that on my "to-do" list. "Find a healthier way of dealing with stress." Let's be honest though, who would rather run than eat chocolate chip cookies? Not me.

We are planning Jack's baptism. He is going to be baptized on the 31st. He is so very excited. This is a whole new experience for my husband and I. I for one didn't think I'd be at this point for at least 8 years, but here I am 5 months after getting married and planning a baptism. It's going to be a quiet celebration with mostly family.

One thing I've thought about lately is how mature my kids are. I wish I could help them be more relaxed. They worry too much about things that most adults don't worry about. They have experienced more loss and heartache than is fair. My only hope is that I can encourage them to have fun, be a kid, make mistakes, and get dirty. (Even though I got upset with the girls for playing in the dirt today...they just had baths.) Jack is constantly worrying about and looking out for his sisters. Which is fantastic, don't get me wrong, I'm pretty sure my older brothers didn't do that. But he's only 8, and I just want him to have fun. To be oblivious to what's going on and not worry about life. They are amazing kids and I'm so blessed to have them in my life.

One recommendation: have a pillow fight this week. (The huge floor pillows are great for this.) We have had a family pillow fight on the past couple Sunday's after church. The big pillows knock over the kids...Matt and I may or may not do it on purpose. :)

parental concerns

Poop and pee on the floor, poopy fingerprints on the counter and toilet seat, pee in the garbage can...these were things I was not expecting to experience.

Because the kids have not had what people would call a "normal" life I'm never sure what exactly to think of these things. Is this a cry for attention? Acting out because they never see their birth mother? Or something else entirely? Jack and Emma have been seeing a counselor, who they love! She has a big, white, fluffy dog called Abby. Emma asks on a regular basis when she gets to see her again. :) We have mentioned these things to the counselor so that she is aware of what's going on.

Part of me wonders if I'm contributing to their anxiety, worries, fears, and everything else they are going through. It's hard to know what exactly they're feeling because they're still learning how to express themselves. We try and ask them questions like, "Are you sad/mad/happy/frustrated/upset about something?" This helps a little bit to get to the root of the problem. Eva, being only 3, doesn't fully understand what each of those feelings mean and feels like. Sometimes she'll tell me that she is sad about playing dress-up, when that hadn't been talked about for who knows how long.

When I think about all the changes that all 5 of us have experienced in the past year, I guess I'm not surprised that things like this happen.

• A year ago I was living in Northern Utah, very single, and very happy with my job. 
• Now I am happily married, with 3 kids!
• Still happy with my job, but frustrated and much more stressed as well.
• I also moved to a new state where I knew no one, and had no friends. I still don't have many close friends, but at least I know people. :) 

• A year ago my sweet husband, Matt, was renting from his parents and dating someone.
•  Now he has a business that is up and running, but still requires A LOT of work and some sleepless nights. This also causes some stress.
• He is also happily married.
• He moved an hour north to a new town.
• He continually worries about the kids and their well-being, as well as the ex and what effect she might be having on them.

• A year ago the kids were living in the grandparents basement. Their Dad was dating a lady that had some kids. 
• Jack was going to school, with the same teacher for 3 years. He had friends at school and at church. 
• Emma was going to pre-school and loved it. 
• Eva was a happy 3 year old. She liked Dora the Explorer and Tangled. 
• Jack started going to a new school where the rules are different and he didn't know anyone. People at church were new and different.
• Emma didn't go to pre-school anymore because it was late in the year when they moved. She's been at home every day with me, her dad, or our babysitter.
• Eva is still a happy 3 year old, and still likes Dora and Tangled. She also gets to play on a regular basis with our babysitters daughter, who she loves and adores. 

• Now the kids are getting used to a new mother figure, a new home, Dad being gone more often for work, not seeing their grandparents nearly as much. They have been through a wedding, me working 5 days a week with an inconsistent schedule,  their Dad working crazy hours and being stressed. (Which that's never fun for anyone to be stressed, but sadly enough it's part of life.)

They are fabulous kids who do the best they can. I only hope and pray that I am doing a little bit of good for them. Some days I worry that I'm causing more damage. I yell, I cry, I get frustrated, but we're learning how to communicate with each other. Many times I have hugged them and apologized for being frustrated. Many times I have had to go pray that I could be in a better mood.

I am so very grateful that they put up with me. I love their hugs, laughing with them, reading to them, singing to them. They are immensely patient with me. I love them more than I've ever loved another child. I have learned more from them and my husband than anyone else.

Life is good. :)