co-parenting...not for the faint of heart

My husbands ex-wife just left our house today. We flew her down 5 days ago to be here for our daughter Eva's baptism. We paid for the ticket (this was actually my idea, it was for Eva, not for the ex.) and let her stay in our house...for 5 days. This is the second time we've done this for her, and it was difficult both times.
My husband and I try very hard not to talk negatively about his ex in front of the kids. We try not to argue with her (when she is here) in front of them. Basically we try our best to give them the best impression of her. This is SOOO difficult. There is a reason that my husband has full custody and I am working on adopting them. My husband (it always comes from him) has started to share some things with our oldest two, very few things.
I don't know how it is with other families. You read these stories of parents that both get re-married, they share custody of their children and both couples go to everything to support their child. You also see stories of one parent having primary custody and having to clean up messes the other parent creates. (Missing birthdays or visits, broken promises, etc.) There is a myriad of parenting styles when it comes to children and divorce. I don't know what is right and what is wrong, and that is hard. Sometimes I need a clear black and white answer. But with parenting...there is no black and white. It's all one big gray mess.
When my husbands ex visits, it's all fun. We excused the kids from school for 3 days. We skipped our regular bedtime routine. Chores were not done. When she leaves, we have to re-train the kids on all of this. It's a struggle to get them to bed on time, and then up for school the next day. We have to detox our house from junk-food (we're attempting to eat healthier by not buying junk-food). We have to emphasize manners and how to be respectful. This is difficult. I want my children to have fun with their mom, I want them to have memories with her. But it's hard to think that afterwards, my husband and I will be thought of as the "bad guys" because we enforce routines and rules.
My husband and I both took time off work for her visit. My husband so he could supervise her time with the kids, me so I could keep our youngest busy. I didn't watch the baby I normally watch so that the kids wouldn't be distracted. So not only did we pay for her to come down here, but we missed out on a weeks worth of pay to make it so she could focus on the kids. It was difficult for our youngest because he LOVES his brother and sisters. He was constantly asking where they were and wanted to follow them around.
I guess my point is that if you marry someone who has kids, or you get divorced and have kids, you can never really tell how it will be if you (or they) get re-married. I never even thought about what it would be like before my husband and I got married. I wish my husbands ex and I could be on better terms. I think that could help, but it's difficult to put trust in someone who has a troubled history.
If I could offer any advice for someone in a similar situation:

1. Attempt to forge a relationship with your children's other parent. Try to get to a point that you can talk to each other respectfully and with dignity.
2. DO NOT pit your children against their parent(s). They are not a tool to use for your own gain, or a weapon to hurt your (or your spouses) ex.
3. If you are in a situation where this is appropriate, communicate with your children beforehand. Kids don't do well with sudden changes, they need time to prepare themselves for big things. My family is not in a position that this works. So we have to communicate after the visit is over.
4. Be patient with yourself, the ex, your spouse, and the kids. If you are struggling with the relationship, or a visit, or broken promises...then they probably are too.
5. Lastly, LOVE your children. Even when they act out, or don't listen, or do something you don't like. What they need during difficult times, is LOVE.

If you're experiencing this or something similar right now, good luck. You can do hard things. This too shall pass.

(step) parenting is hard

4 and a half years ago I married my sweet husband. I went from being single to being a wife and a mother to 3. We were fortunate enough that we didn't need to worry about shared custody, which I think in my situation would have made it a lot more difficult. My husbands ex did come to visit somewhat regularly, and it worked out okay for us.
Becoming an insta-mom was a lot more difficult than I thought it would be. Ever since I was around 12 all I ever wanted to be was a mom. I have been pretty close to my mom for most of my life, and she made it look so easy! I had babysat my nieces and nephews and kids in my church, so I was not a novice when I got married. But there is no preparing you for being a parent.
EVERY child is different. They have different histories, fears, wants, needs, insecurities, talents, desires. They communicate in different ways and need love expressed to them in different ways. Add in the various things we adults throw at them and it becomes one great big ball of tangled emotions and who knows what else. We put kids through major life changes and sometimes expect them to just adapt...when, let's face it, it's not that easy for adults to adapt all the time.
Here are some things I think I nailed:

• We included my 3 oldest in almost every aspect of our wedding. They were the ones that announces the marriage on the invitations. Our wedding cake said, "Introducing the Veil Family..." and listed all our names. We took family pictures as well as couple pictures. Before we even became officially engaged, we made sure the kids were supportive.
• I never pressured the kids to call me mom. I told them they could call me Katie, and if they wanted to call me mom, I would be more than happy to answer to that.
• Knowing their history, I didn't push them to hug me or say "I love you" or to kiss me on the cheek. I let them move at their own pace.
• I haven't done as well as I'd like, but I have tried to not treat my oldest 3 different from my youngest, who I gave birth too. They are all my children and I love them all.

Here are some things I wish I would have done differently:

• I wish I would have talked to more people that had blended families. I didn't really know what to expect. I know that each situation is different, but to talk to other families would have helped me prepare mentally for the various possibilities. 
• I wish I would have spent more time one-on-one with the kids before my husband and I got married. I wish I would have gotten to know them; their likes, dislikes, their passions...all of it.
• I wish my husband and I would have spent more time discussing our parenting styles and what we were passionate about. This has been a hard thing to blend, and talking about it beforehand would have made that a little easier.
• I wish we would have discussed as a family the expectations we had; chores, bedtimes, homework, routines, etc. It was hard for me to come into all of that, and I didn't really know what to do.

Many times I have wished I could have been there from the very beginning. That I could have been the one to rock them to sleep, read them bedtime stories, play games, cook with them. I can do those things now, but that bonding that happens in the first few years didn't happen. I am the closest (emotionally and affectionately) with my 2 girls (Emma and Eva) who are 10 and 8.  I have the easiest time communicating with my oldest son (Jack) who is 12, but he is not very open to hugs and shows of affection. I have tried several things throughout the 4 and a half years I've been in their lives to foster that connection and encourage bonding. I will periodically leave them notes on their beds or in their lunchboxes. We somewhat regularly go around our dinner table and take turns saying one thing we like about everyone. I have started a journal for my 2 oldest when they turned 10. I write in them and will give the journals to them when they turn 18. I crochet and I made blankets for each of them. Jack got his around the time Matthew was born, Emma and Eva got theirs at the same time 2 Christmas's ago. Jack gets his hugs from me through Matthew.
In a lot of ways, Matthew, who is almost 4, has brought us closer. Jack, Emma, and Eva adore him and he loves them. Emotionally I feel closest to Matthew, but I think that is expected because I gave birth to him. A lot of times I will tell Matthew stories, and tie in Jack, Emma, and Eva since I know they're listening, but don't necessarily want the same attention I'm showing to Matthew.
I am also in the process of adopting my 3 oldest. Hopefully this will be completed in the next few months. We've also all been sealed as a family for time and all eternity. In the LDS church we believe that families can be together forever. In LDS temples this is called a sealing, and is a very special and sacred occasion to us.
It is much easier now than it was at first. I didn't think I'd ever say that, and there's still A LOT I need to learn and fix. But, the important thing is that I love my kids, all 4 of them, and I would do anything for them.