My husband and I try very hard not to talk negatively about his ex in front of the kids. We try not to argue with her (when she is here) in front of them. Basically we try our best to give them the best impression of her. This is SOOO difficult. There is a reason that my husband has full custody and I am working on adopting them. My husband (it always comes from him) has started to share some things with our oldest two, very few things.
I don't know how it is with other families. You read these stories of parents that both get re-married, they share custody of their children and both couples go to everything to support their child. You also see stories of one parent having primary custody and having to clean up messes the other parent creates. (Missing birthdays or visits, broken promises, etc.) There is a myriad of parenting styles when it comes to children and divorce. I don't know what is right and what is wrong, and that is hard. Sometimes I need a clear black and white answer. But with parenting...there is no black and white. It's all one big gray mess.
When my husbands ex visits, it's all fun. We excused the kids from school for 3 days. We skipped our regular bedtime routine. Chores were not done. When she leaves, we have to re-train the kids on all of this. It's a struggle to get them to bed on time, and then up for school the next day. We have to detox our house from junk-food (we're attempting to eat healthier by not buying junk-food). We have to emphasize manners and how to be respectful. This is difficult. I want my children to have fun with their mom, I want them to have memories with her. But it's hard to think that afterwards, my husband and I will be thought of as the "bad guys" because we enforce routines and rules.
My husband and I both took time off work for her visit. My husband so he could supervise her time with the kids, me so I could keep our youngest busy. I didn't watch the baby I normally watch so that the kids wouldn't be distracted. So not only did we pay for her to come down here, but we missed out on a weeks worth of pay to make it so she could focus on the kids. It was difficult for our youngest because he LOVES his brother and sisters. He was constantly asking where they were and wanted to follow them around.
I guess my point is that if you marry someone who has kids, or you get divorced and have kids, you can never really tell how it will be if you (or they) get re-married. I never even thought about what it would be like before my husband and I got married. I wish my husbands ex and I could be on better terms. I think that could help, but it's difficult to put trust in someone who has a troubled history.
If I could offer any advice for someone in a similar situation:
- Attempt to forge a relationship with your children's other parent. Try to get to a point that you can talk to each other respectfully and with dignity.
- DO NOT pit your children against their parent(s). They are not a tool to use for your own gain, or a weapon to hurt your (or your spouses) ex.
- If you are in a situation where this is appropriate, communicate with your children beforehand. Kids don't do well with sudden changes, they need time to prepare themselves for big things. My family is not in a position that this works. So we have to communicate after the visit is over.
- Be patient with yourself, the ex, your spouse, and the kids. If you are struggling with the relationship, or a visit, or broken promises...then they probably are too.
- Lastly, LOVE your children. Even when they act out, or don't listen, or do something you don't like. What they need during difficult times, is LOVE.
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