(step) parenting is hard

4 and a half years ago I married my sweet husband. I went from being single to being a wife and a mother to 3. We were fortunate enough that we didn't need to worry about shared custody, which I think in my situation would have made it a lot more difficult. My husbands ex did come to visit somewhat regularly, and it worked out okay for us.
Becoming an insta-mom was a lot more difficult than I thought it would be. Ever since I was around 12 all I ever wanted to be was a mom. I have been pretty close to my mom for most of my life, and she made it look so easy! I had babysat my nieces and nephews and kids in my church, so I was not a novice when I got married. But there is no preparing you for being a parent.
EVERY child is different. They have different histories, fears, wants, needs, insecurities, talents, desires. They communicate in different ways and need love expressed to them in different ways. Add in the various things we adults throw at them and it becomes one great big ball of tangled emotions and who knows what else. We put kids through major life changes and sometimes expect them to just adapt...when, let's face it, it's not that easy for adults to adapt all the time.
Here are some things I think I nailed:

• We included my 3 oldest in almost every aspect of our wedding. They were the ones that announces the marriage on the invitations. Our wedding cake said, "Introducing the Veil Family..." and listed all our names. We took family pictures as well as couple pictures. Before we even became officially engaged, we made sure the kids were supportive.
• I never pressured the kids to call me mom. I told them they could call me Katie, and if they wanted to call me mom, I would be more than happy to answer to that.
• Knowing their history, I didn't push them to hug me or say "I love you" or to kiss me on the cheek. I let them move at their own pace.
• I haven't done as well as I'd like, but I have tried to not treat my oldest 3 different from my youngest, who I gave birth too. They are all my children and I love them all.

Here are some things I wish I would have done differently:

• I wish I would have talked to more people that had blended families. I didn't really know what to expect. I know that each situation is different, but to talk to other families would have helped me prepare mentally for the various possibilities. 
• I wish I would have spent more time one-on-one with the kids before my husband and I got married. I wish I would have gotten to know them; their likes, dislikes, their passions...all of it.
• I wish my husband and I would have spent more time discussing our parenting styles and what we were passionate about. This has been a hard thing to blend, and talking about it beforehand would have made that a little easier.
• I wish we would have discussed as a family the expectations we had; chores, bedtimes, homework, routines, etc. It was hard for me to come into all of that, and I didn't really know what to do.

Many times I have wished I could have been there from the very beginning. That I could have been the one to rock them to sleep, read them bedtime stories, play games, cook with them. I can do those things now, but that bonding that happens in the first few years didn't happen. I am the closest (emotionally and affectionately) with my 2 girls (Emma and Eva) who are 10 and 8.  I have the easiest time communicating with my oldest son (Jack) who is 12, but he is not very open to hugs and shows of affection. I have tried several things throughout the 4 and a half years I've been in their lives to foster that connection and encourage bonding. I will periodically leave them notes on their beds or in their lunchboxes. We somewhat regularly go around our dinner table and take turns saying one thing we like about everyone. I have started a journal for my 2 oldest when they turned 10. I write in them and will give the journals to them when they turn 18. I crochet and I made blankets for each of them. Jack got his around the time Matthew was born, Emma and Eva got theirs at the same time 2 Christmas's ago. Jack gets his hugs from me through Matthew.
In a lot of ways, Matthew, who is almost 4, has brought us closer. Jack, Emma, and Eva adore him and he loves them. Emotionally I feel closest to Matthew, but I think that is expected because I gave birth to him. A lot of times I will tell Matthew stories, and tie in Jack, Emma, and Eva since I know they're listening, but don't necessarily want the same attention I'm showing to Matthew.
I am also in the process of adopting my 3 oldest. Hopefully this will be completed in the next few months. We've also all been sealed as a family for time and all eternity. In the LDS church we believe that families can be together forever. In LDS temples this is called a sealing, and is a very special and sacred occasion to us.
It is much easier now than it was at first. I didn't think I'd ever say that, and there's still A LOT I need to learn and fix. But, the important thing is that I love my kids, all 4 of them, and I would do anything for them.