co-parenting...not for the faint of heart

My husbands ex-wife just left our house today. We flew her down 5 days ago to be here for our daughter Eva's baptism. We paid for the ticket (this was actually my idea, it was for Eva, not for the ex.) and let her stay in our house...for 5 days. This is the second time we've done this for her, and it was difficult both times.
My husband and I try very hard not to talk negatively about his ex in front of the kids. We try not to argue with her (when she is here) in front of them. Basically we try our best to give them the best impression of her. This is SOOO difficult. There is a reason that my husband has full custody and I am working on adopting them. My husband (it always comes from him) has started to share some things with our oldest two, very few things.
I don't know how it is with other families. You read these stories of parents that both get re-married, they share custody of their children and both couples go to everything to support their child. You also see stories of one parent having primary custody and having to clean up messes the other parent creates. (Missing birthdays or visits, broken promises, etc.) There is a myriad of parenting styles when it comes to children and divorce. I don't know what is right and what is wrong, and that is hard. Sometimes I need a clear black and white answer. But with parenting...there is no black and white. It's all one big gray mess.
When my husbands ex visits, it's all fun. We excused the kids from school for 3 days. We skipped our regular bedtime routine. Chores were not done. When she leaves, we have to re-train the kids on all of this. It's a struggle to get them to bed on time, and then up for school the next day. We have to detox our house from junk-food (we're attempting to eat healthier by not buying junk-food). We have to emphasize manners and how to be respectful. This is difficult. I want my children to have fun with their mom, I want them to have memories with her. But it's hard to think that afterwards, my husband and I will be thought of as the "bad guys" because we enforce routines and rules.
My husband and I both took time off work for her visit. My husband so he could supervise her time with the kids, me so I could keep our youngest busy. I didn't watch the baby I normally watch so that the kids wouldn't be distracted. So not only did we pay for her to come down here, but we missed out on a weeks worth of pay to make it so she could focus on the kids. It was difficult for our youngest because he LOVES his brother and sisters. He was constantly asking where they were and wanted to follow them around.
I guess my point is that if you marry someone who has kids, or you get divorced and have kids, you can never really tell how it will be if you (or they) get re-married. I never even thought about what it would be like before my husband and I got married. I wish my husbands ex and I could be on better terms. I think that could help, but it's difficult to put trust in someone who has a troubled history.
If I could offer any advice for someone in a similar situation:

1. Attempt to forge a relationship with your children's other parent. Try to get to a point that you can talk to each other respectfully and with dignity.
2. DO NOT pit your children against their parent(s). They are not a tool to use for your own gain, or a weapon to hurt your (or your spouses) ex.
3. If you are in a situation where this is appropriate, communicate with your children beforehand. Kids don't do well with sudden changes, they need time to prepare themselves for big things. My family is not in a position that this works. So we have to communicate after the visit is over.
4. Be patient with yourself, the ex, your spouse, and the kids. If you are struggling with the relationship, or a visit, or broken promises...then they probably are too.
5. Lastly, LOVE your children. Even when they act out, or don't listen, or do something you don't like. What they need during difficult times, is LOVE.

If you're experiencing this or something similar right now, good luck. You can do hard things. This too shall pass.

(step) parenting is hard

4 and a half years ago I married my sweet husband. I went from being single to being a wife and a mother to 3. We were fortunate enough that we didn't need to worry about shared custody, which I think in my situation would have made it a lot more difficult. My husbands ex did come to visit somewhat regularly, and it worked out okay for us.
Becoming an insta-mom was a lot more difficult than I thought it would be. Ever since I was around 12 all I ever wanted to be was a mom. I have been pretty close to my mom for most of my life, and she made it look so easy! I had babysat my nieces and nephews and kids in my church, so I was not a novice when I got married. But there is no preparing you for being a parent.
EVERY child is different. They have different histories, fears, wants, needs, insecurities, talents, desires. They communicate in different ways and need love expressed to them in different ways. Add in the various things we adults throw at them and it becomes one great big ball of tangled emotions and who knows what else. We put kids through major life changes and sometimes expect them to just adapt...when, let's face it, it's not that easy for adults to adapt all the time.
Here are some things I think I nailed:

• We included my 3 oldest in almost every aspect of our wedding. They were the ones that announces the marriage on the invitations. Our wedding cake said, "Introducing the Veil Family..." and listed all our names. We took family pictures as well as couple pictures. Before we even became officially engaged, we made sure the kids were supportive.
• I never pressured the kids to call me mom. I told them they could call me Katie, and if they wanted to call me mom, I would be more than happy to answer to that.
• Knowing their history, I didn't push them to hug me or say "I love you" or to kiss me on the cheek. I let them move at their own pace.
• I haven't done as well as I'd like, but I have tried to not treat my oldest 3 different from my youngest, who I gave birth too. They are all my children and I love them all.

Here are some things I wish I would have done differently:

• I wish I would have talked to more people that had blended families. I didn't really know what to expect. I know that each situation is different, but to talk to other families would have helped me prepare mentally for the various possibilities. 
• I wish I would have spent more time one-on-one with the kids before my husband and I got married. I wish I would have gotten to know them; their likes, dislikes, their passions...all of it.
• I wish my husband and I would have spent more time discussing our parenting styles and what we were passionate about. This has been a hard thing to blend, and talking about it beforehand would have made that a little easier.
• I wish we would have discussed as a family the expectations we had; chores, bedtimes, homework, routines, etc. It was hard for me to come into all of that, and I didn't really know what to do.

Many times I have wished I could have been there from the very beginning. That I could have been the one to rock them to sleep, read them bedtime stories, play games, cook with them. I can do those things now, but that bonding that happens in the first few years didn't happen. I am the closest (emotionally and affectionately) with my 2 girls (Emma and Eva) who are 10 and 8.  I have the easiest time communicating with my oldest son (Jack) who is 12, but he is not very open to hugs and shows of affection. I have tried several things throughout the 4 and a half years I've been in their lives to foster that connection and encourage bonding. I will periodically leave them notes on their beds or in their lunchboxes. We somewhat regularly go around our dinner table and take turns saying one thing we like about everyone. I have started a journal for my 2 oldest when they turned 10. I write in them and will give the journals to them when they turn 18. I crochet and I made blankets for each of them. Jack got his around the time Matthew was born, Emma and Eva got theirs at the same time 2 Christmas's ago. Jack gets his hugs from me through Matthew.
In a lot of ways, Matthew, who is almost 4, has brought us closer. Jack, Emma, and Eva adore him and he loves them. Emotionally I feel closest to Matthew, but I think that is expected because I gave birth to him. A lot of times I will tell Matthew stories, and tie in Jack, Emma, and Eva since I know they're listening, but don't necessarily want the same attention I'm showing to Matthew.
I am also in the process of adopting my 3 oldest. Hopefully this will be completed in the next few months. We've also all been sealed as a family for time and all eternity. In the LDS church we believe that families can be together forever. In LDS temples this is called a sealing, and is a very special and sacred occasion to us.
It is much easier now than it was at first. I didn't think I'd ever say that, and there's still A LOT I need to learn and fix. But, the important thing is that I love my kids, all 4 of them, and I would do anything for them.

they never said, "i told you so."

When I was 19 I got married. I had known the guy for 3 months. My parents warned me and advised me not to marry him, but I thought I knew everything. Almost immediately after we got married, I realized he was not the person I thought he was.
To start off with; we were married by a justice of the peace...on my LUNCH BREAK! Ridiculous right? Almost every girl dreams of her wedding day and makes plans for how they want it to look and be. I let that be pushed aside because my future-husband couldn't hold down a job and needed somewhere to live. Looking back this is quite a large warning sign, and I ignored it.
Once we were married I came to understand that he had no interest in holding a legitimate job. He was more motivated too attempt to deal drugs and sleep all day. This was on the other end of the spectrum from how I was raised, yet I looked the other way.
Things slowly got worse. We racked up close to $30,000 in debt; we were only together for 9 months. We fought constantly; he started becoming violent and emotionally and verbally abusive. He would get very jealous if I talked to any of my male coworkers, but didn't want to put effort into our relationship. I put so much of myself into our relationship, 110% as often as I could. I was not perfect, there were times when I would instigate arguments to get a reaction from him.
When I finally realized that this was not a healthy relationship, I got out. When I made it clear to him that I was ending it he threatened to drive our car into a river with both of us in it. I got away from him safely and made it home and called the police. He ended up going to jail for 1-3 months, at this point I can't remember how long it was. He never said he was sorry, and he didn't help me pay for any of the bills we had accumulated.
My point in writing this is to share what my parents did. They supported ME through everything. That doesn't mean they supported the choices I was making. They never said, "I told you so." They loved me through it all. They let me move back in with them, rent-free. My mom would sit with me and call bill collectors for me when I couldn't handle it anymore. My dad drove across the state with me to return the car that I couldn't afford to keep anymore. (Only to find out when we got there that we could have done it at home.)
Never once did they belittle me for my decision to go against their advice. I came to better understand how much they loved me. I hope to someday be that kind of parent. I have a long ways to go from where I am right now.
I shared this story with one of my coworkers a while back. Just this week she told me how my parents reaction has stuck with her and helped her to take a step back with her own child. Sometimes our gut reaction won't be the best option. I'm grateful to my parents for taking a step back and not focusing on the choices, but on me as their daughter.
I would not be the person I am today if all of this hadn't happened. So...thank you, mom and dad.

invest in yourself

Getting back into blogging has been on my mind a lot lately.
My brother surprised me for my birthday and we started talking about our dreams. I told him that my dream had always been to be a mom, and now that I am one, I don't really know what to look forward too. As I got to thinking about it, I realized that I really want to help people. I want to help others see the good they can do. I want to help others see how strong they are. I want to help others realize that they are not alone in their trials.
I don't have anything unique or extraordinary to share. I just want to share my experiences, and hopefully someone will be able to find strength or comfort through them.
I am also getting back into this for me. I feel like I have kind of lost myself amidst all the demands on me and my time. This will allow me to discover my interests and abilities again. It is hard being a mom, wife, employee and everything else that is going on. Many times the only thing I do for myself during the day is read. (Which I do far too much of. 😊) This will be my time for ME. I need to invest in myself to be a better wife and mom, so I'm going to start making deposits in myself starting now.

breathe in, breathe out

Life is busy. There seems to always be something demanding your time. Between family, work, school, running a home, sports, holidays, exercising, and everything else that we can fill our time with, we need to remember one thing.
BREATHE.
Breathe for yourself, be grateful that you're alive, that you can see and feel and hear and run and jump. Breathe for those around you, pray for understanding and patience, sympathy and knowledge, but most of all, pray to love them. Breathe for your family, to love them the way they need to be loved, and not the way you think it should be.
Once you've breathed in the good, breathe out the bad. The leftovers. The waste.
Breathe out the frustration; with yourself, your kids, your job, your boss, the government. Breathe it all out. Let it be. Allow it to be okay, and remember that there is usually something you don't understand. Breathe out the anger, do not let it control you. Be the master of your mind and your body. Breathe out your weakness, you're stronger than you think you are.
When that is all done, start over. Surround yourself with good. Just don't forget to breathe.

apples and oranges

I've mentioned a blog that I follow a few times, the author is Matt Walsh. He does not shy away from difficult subjects, but chooses to face them head on. He has put his name out there and attracted millions of readers. Many of his posts cause people to think and respond, to analyze, and occasionally to debate. The following is one of them. Motherhood isn’t tougher than fatherhood, but maybe we should all stop competing
He wrote that post on April 15th, after viewing a commercial for a greeting card company. I read the post and then watched the commercial. The commercial is a mock job interview for an impossibly difficult position. The interviewee's then learn that there are millions of people who perform this job on a daily basis. They are mother's. The commercial then ends with the reminder that Mother's Day is coming up.
The commercial did a decent job of describing what a mom does, but unfortunately, there is no way that you can possibly summarize the role of a mother in 5 minutes.
Matt Walsh posted on motherhood and fatherhood, and the fact that one isn't more difficult than the other. I agree with him. Motherhood and fatherhood are different, it's like comparing apples and oranges. One isn't "better" than the other, one isn't "sweeter" than the other. They're different, they're unique, and they're each wonderful and special in their own way,
When I read the blog post, and watched the commercial, I decided that I don't like to describe motherhood as a job. For me, being a mom is something I choose to do. When I married my husband, I knew that I would be filling the role of mom for his 3 kids. It has been one of the most difficult decisions to follow-up with, but the feeling I get when I hear them call me "Mommy" because they WANT to is priceless.
When I found out I was pregnant last summer, I knew that my life was going to drastically change again. I knew that my focus, my motivation, and my center would shift. Let me be clear, I love Jack, Emma, and Eva with all my heart. I would do anything for them, but I didn't understand the depth of love I was capable of as a mother because I hadn't given birth. Some people may dispute that, but for me it is the truth.
I choose to wake up in the middle of the night with Matthew, I choose to cook dinner, I choose to sit down and read books with Emma and Eva. No one forces me to do it. Society has convinced us that kids need to have extracurricular activities, the younger they start, the better. This can be beneficial for the child, but it also adds stress to the family. That's something that needs to be considered. None of our kids are currently enrolled in any extra activity. This is for multiple reasons, but I can tell you, I don't feel stressed about spending the whole day in the car shuttling kids to where ever they need to be. I love that I get to spend time with the kids when they get home from school. I can take time with Jack when he does his homework and make sure that he understands it. I can color with Emma, which she absolutely loves to do. I can put on music and watch Eva dance while I get dinner ready.
I'm not trying to say I don't have bad days, because I do. I guess what I'm trying to say is that parents should know their limitations. There is no "right" way to parent. Kids will be fine if they don't have a tablet when they're 8 years old, they will be fine if they aren't enrolled in sports year round, and they will be fine if they aren't wearing name brand clothes. On the other hand, they will NOT be fine if they don't feel they can talk to their parents, they will not be fine if mom and dad don't express love and affection, and they will not be fine if parents work more than they are at home. Children don't understand our motivations as adults. They see and understand things in very simplistic terms. "Mom yelled at me" could mean either that 1. Mom doesn't love me, or 2. Mom is unhappy with something I did. In my experience they don't go to, "Mom is having a bad day and it has nothing to do with me."
My advice to parents (and myself) would be, take a step back. Spend quality time with your kids, even if it is just 10 minutes a day. Start small, and be okay with the little things. Talk to your kids, find out what they enjoy, and do it with them. Our children will be tomorrow's leaders, they will be our legacy. What type of leader's will they be? Are we being the type of parents that our kids can be proud of?

being a mom

Matthew is 7 weeks old today. I have been at home (or in the hospital) for 7 weeks. I have worked full time for the last 9 years, at least 40 hours every week, usually more. I have been able to clock in and out and leave work at work, except of course when I'm a manager and occasionally need to bring work home. I am unable to do that now.

I have a new respect for stay-at-home parents, single parents, and every other type of parent. Being a stay-at-home-mom is not easy. Many times it is thankless work, it is exhausting 24 hours a day-7 days a week type of work. It is humbling to realize that your boss is someone who can't sleep through the night, or someone who has to use a stool to wash her hands. Many times I wake up tired, (right now that's because of the infant who doesn't sleep through the night) some days I don't take a shower until 9pm, and my shirt ends up being the tissue for noses as well as eyes.

On the days when I don't want to speak to another child, or pick up a crying infant, or answer another question...I hear my girls laugh while they're playing, I get to help Jack with his homework and hear about his day, I get to cuddle with Matthew, I play a game with them and see how happy they are with something so simple, I make cookies with them and get to teach them as well as enjoy chocolate...those are the things that make it worth it.

Being a parent is hard, I've never heard anyone say otherwise. Over the past 7 weeks I have determined that I would rather have the stay-at-home-mom kind of hard over working full-time hard. Being a mom is fulfilling and gratifying and so very worth all the frustrations and tears that I shed over my own inadequacies.

the love of a mother

On March 19th my little man was one month old. It's amazing how much can happen in such a short amount of time.
Baby Matthew spent 20 days in the NICU at Doernbecher's Children's Hospital in Portland. I am grateful for the nurses and doctors who took such good care of him, for the volunteers that go in and hold the babies when the nurses can't. I'm thankful for family who came to help me by watching Jack, Emma, and Eva so that I could go to the hospital.
On March 10th Matthew came home. We had a follow up appointment for him on the 13th, he was up to 5lbs 7.5oz and 18.75 inches long. That weekend I noticed that his skin was slightly yellow, but only in certain light. Then on Monday the 17th he was really sleepy, and not eating well. I took him to the chiropractor for an adjustment, (It's amazing what our bodies can go through. His little body was in need of an adjustment.) then when I got home and had to wake him up to feed him, I started to worry. I called our clinic and described what I was seeing and told them I was worried it was jaundice. They recommended that I take him to the Emergency Room. Well, as a mother that's not really what you want to hear.
I took him into the Emergency Room, and within 15 minutes of checking in they had us back and were checking Matthew out. His temperature was 96, instead of 98.6, he still wasn't eating well and when they weighed him he hadn't gained any weight since the previous Thursday. They started drawing blood, and putting an IV in. I sat with him, trying to keep my emotions in check, but of course thinking that I'm a bad mom and that's why he's in the hospital after being home for only a week.
We were in the hospital from Monday night to Friday morning. He had a cold, which honestly is unavoidable, and turns out he had a UTI. They had him on an IV for the majority of the time for the UTI, and sent him home with an oral antibiotic.
Looking back on the last month I'm amazed at how quickly priorities can change. In a split second my life changed, all because of the miracle of birth. A 4lb 6oz little boy, became one of the 5 most important people in my life. For a short while I was resentful of Jack, Emma, and Eva, because they were taking my away from Matthew. I'm slowly learning how to handle everything. How to make time for the things that matter and how to let the things that don't matter slide.
I was worried that Jack, Emma, and Eva wouldn't like having a little brother. They absolutely love him. Emma would sit and stare at him all day if I would let her. He is a joy to have, and has helped me understand the love of a mother, and see what really matters in life.
I love all my kids. Jack, Emma, and Eva are so special, and have been through so much. They are resilient and so loving. They are forgiving and understanding. They want to be loved, and I'm lucky enough that they have chosen me to love them, and that they choose to call me mom. Matthew was sent to me. He is my gift from God, I have a responsibility to all 4 of my kids to teach them, love them, play with them, and to let them be kids, to allow them to learn and grow, and to encourage them to reach their potential.

have you ever wondered?

Matthew is 17 days old. I have been to the hospital every day. I have spent time holding him, caring for him, talking to him, reading to him and just watching him. In my eyes he is the most beautiful and perfect little boy. He is a blessing in my life and when I'm with him I feel more complete.

As I have spent time with him I have also had a lot of time to think. One day I was telling him about his other family members. I started with my siblings and then my husbands. One of my brothers and his wife were expecting a baby at the time, a little girl who they were naming Dresden Adele. I told Matthew about Dresden, and asked him if he remembered her. He got the cutest little smile on his face.

One thought that has come up more than once in the past two and a half weeks is, "What did he do before he was born?" I believe that before we were born we existed as spirits. I think that during that time we were able to communicate with each other and developed relationships with people. Most definitely with our family members and close friends. Sometimes there is someone that you just connect with, and you can't really explain it. I think that goes back to the time before we were born.

Matthew is named after his dad and his grandpa, who passed away when my husband was 13. I think that Matthew was able to get to know his grandpa better than any of us here on earth. There is also my Aunt Mary, Grandma Hoffman, Grandpa and Grandma Kirbey, Grandpa Cox, Grandpa John and many others that my little boy was able to learn from and get to know.

Have you ever wondered what babies dream about? I think they're learning. I think that is time that our Heavenly Father uses to teach them the things that they will need to know to succeed in life. I'm not talking about financial or worldly success, but the ability to overcome trials. To rise above the bad and negative that is so prevalent in the world today and see the good.

It can sometimes be pointless to ponder these things because we won't ever know the answer. All of this is speculation and personal belief. Just because I believe something doesn't mean that other people are going to, but hopefully they will respect it. And maybe, it will help them to see things in a different light, to think outside the box and push their limits.

brownie batter

Sometimes brownie batter makes everything better.

I was having one of "those" days today. Sometimes I forget that the kids are coping with change just like I am. The difference is that they don't have the experience or the maturity to know how to deal with it. Usually they deal with it by; acting out, breaking rules, being disobedient, pushing limits, etc... I feel like I've talked to each of the kids at least 3 times since I got home from the hospital on the 23rd of February.

When I talk to them I try to find out what's going on. But then you have to wonder how much they're really understanding and if they know how to express what they're thinking and feeling. We use questions like, "Are you sad?" "Are you frustrated about anything?" "Is something upsetting you?" Sometimes this works, sometimes it doesn't.

All I know is that we've had a crazy two weeks. I'm exhausted by it, my husband is exhausted by it, and the kids are doing great. I just have to remind myself of that. And for the days that I forget, there's always brownie batter.