Time management is hard. Hopefully I'm not the only one with this problem. It's always been a struggle for me. And now that I have a baby in the NICU, as well as 3 kids at home and a house to run, I'm discovering more difficulties.
It's hard to know what's GOOD, BETTER, and BEST. I know it's GOOD to clean my house, but spending one on one time with my kids is probably BETTER. The really hard decision is how much time to spend at the hospital with my baby. I don't want Jack, Emma and Eva to feel neglected or replaced. I have spent the last year getting to know them, and developing a relationship with them.
I love them, but since having baby Matthew occasionally I feel resentment, because I know I can't spend all day with my baby. I have other responsibilities, people that are counting on me. Don't get me wrong, they are fantastic and amazing kids, and I am proud of the fact that they call me Mom. To me that is an honor, and I don't take it lightly. There are times when I get upset and frustrated and Eva won't call me Mom, that is a rude awakening that I have let her down.
I guess I'm learning that I can't choose between my kids. They are all important to me. At certain times one will receive more attention than the others. I think that's normal because each of us are so different and unique. Right now Matthew needs me, and I need to know that he is okay. I have sat down and talked with Jack, Emma, and Eva and let them know that I need their help. They are so great; vacuuming, sweeping, cleaning their rooms, dishes, laundry...they definitely know how to work hard and help around the house.
As a parent, it's hard not to second guess yourself at every turn.
February 28, 2014
February 26, 2014
life changes in an instant pt 3
So now we get to the fun part, recovery. My husband was unable to spend the entire time with me at the hospital, due to the fact that we have 3 other kids, and he has a business to run. (Thank goodness that both of us have jobs that are flexible!) He would make a point of coming to see baby Matthew and I every day though. Aside from my husband I had a few visitors and lots of people checking to see how I was doing. I have to say that I love my church, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is set up so that members look out for one another. I had at least 10 people either visit or call/text to see how I was.
The first day or so I just wanted to sleep, I was so tired. Unfortunately the medication I was on required them to continue to check on me every hour. This made for a lot of interrupted sleep. I was unable to go visit baby Matthew on my own. I wasn't steady enough to walk yet, that took me until the day after the surgery, and even then it was very slow, small steps. The first time I went to the NICU a nurse followed me with a wheelchair. I was very content to just hold my baby. I just wanted to love on him. He was so very precious, the one thing I wish was different was me not being able to hold him immediately after delivery. I wanted that time to connect and bond with him.
Every day I went down multiple times to hold him. I got to change diapers, feed him (or at least try too, he's still figuring out the bottle) and really just love on him. The only problem was that I was exhausted! Every time I would hold him I would start to fall asleep, needless to say he's a very comfortable cuddle buddy.
They were still checking my blood pressure throughout the day. It was not stabilizing like they wanted it too. I ended up being in the hospital for a total of 5 days. They sent me home with a blood pressure medication and all sorts of limitations because of the surgery.
I now get to go see my baby every day in the NICU. I have good days and hard days. It is hard to leave him. I am a brand new mom, and for some reason trusting someone who's been a nurse for almost 30 years to take care of my baby is hard. I know though that he is in the best place. OHSU is known for their work, and Doernbechers Children's Hospital is nationally renowned. I have to remember that he is in charge of when he comes home. When he is ready he will eat from a bottle and nurse. When he's ready he will gain more weight. And in the meantime, I will get to love on him every day, as much as I can.
The first day or so I just wanted to sleep, I was so tired. Unfortunately the medication I was on required them to continue to check on me every hour. This made for a lot of interrupted sleep. I was unable to go visit baby Matthew on my own. I wasn't steady enough to walk yet, that took me until the day after the surgery, and even then it was very slow, small steps. The first time I went to the NICU a nurse followed me with a wheelchair. I was very content to just hold my baby. I just wanted to love on him. He was so very precious, the one thing I wish was different was me not being able to hold him immediately after delivery. I wanted that time to connect and bond with him.
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| He clasps his hands together like this all the time. |
They were still checking my blood pressure throughout the day. It was not stabilizing like they wanted it too. I ended up being in the hospital for a total of 5 days. They sent me home with a blood pressure medication and all sorts of limitations because of the surgery.
I now get to go see my baby every day in the NICU. I have good days and hard days. It is hard to leave him. I am a brand new mom, and for some reason trusting someone who's been a nurse for almost 30 years to take care of my baby is hard. I know though that he is in the best place. OHSU is known for their work, and Doernbechers Children's Hospital is nationally renowned. I have to remember that he is in charge of when he comes home. When he is ready he will eat from a bottle and nurse. When he's ready he will gain more weight. And in the meantime, I will get to love on him every day, as much as I can.
life changes in an instant pt 2
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| Matthew Steven Veil 02.19.2014 4:43am 4 lbs 6 oz 17 3/4" |
My husband was able to go see him, but couldn't hold him right away. They put an IV in him and had monitors for his heart rate, respiratory rate, oxygen intake and all the other little checks they do. Meanwhile I'm being sewn up, this was probably the most uncomfortable part. Once they finish that I am wheeled into a recovery room where I spend the next 1 1/2 to 2 hours waiting for my body to regain feeling. For the first 30 minutes or so I was shaking uncontrollably. I was told this was due to the shock of the surgery. I was so thirsty and starving! I think it was around 6:30 when they finally let me have ice chips, my husband spoon fed them too me since I couldn't move anything. :) They had this amazing gown that could have warm or cold air blown through it, I was cold and this was a God send.
They finally get me up to a room, and on the way I was able to see my handsome prince. They wheeled my bed past his incubator (we made quite a pair at this point) and I could barely touch his hand. He was hooked up to so many monitors, it just about broke my heart. After that they get me to my room and get me settled. I finally have feeling in my legs, but I am super groggy and quite drugged. They are still checking my blood pressure every hour, as well as my temperature and oxygen intake. This means that a CNA would come in every hour to personally check, talk about not being able to sleep. At this point I think I had been up for 29 hours, while my husband had been up for around 32 hours. Thank goodness my husband was able to fall asleep for a little bit.
I wasn't able to hold baby Matthew until he was 14 hours old, and it was only for about 15 minutes. They had to have a nurse take me in a wheelchair, I had an IV, and Matthew was hooked up to all his things. I cried, I was unable to help my baby, and it was the worst feeling ever. My body hadn't been strong enough to protect and care for him in utero, and now that he was born I couldn't even go see him on my own.
He was beautiful, and so very small. He was perfect, and he won my heart from the first moment I touched his little hand. I don't know how it works, but I fell in love with him in a moment. I would have gone through it all over again, just to bring him into the world.
life changes in an instant pt 1
On February 18th I went in for a routine prenatal exam. (Or what I thought would be routine.) I had my 4 year old daughter, Eva, with me. My husband had been planning on coming, but got caught up between work and traffic, I told him, "Don't worry about it, I'm fine."
Every visit starts the same; weight, urine, and blood pressure, followed by a list of questions I had begun to memorize. My blood pressure was high, the CNA asked me if it was normally high, and then said the Dr would double check when she came in. The Dr comes in and asks me questions, and double checks my blood pressure. Still high. She then measures my stomach (I was a little small for how far along I was.) and asks if she can check to see if I'm dilated. Then she checks my blood pressure again. Still high. She tells me that she wants to send me over to Labor and Delivery for observation, that they might prescribe bed rest or delivery.
I start crying, I am not ready for this. I am a very active person, I have 3 kids, I manage a business, I have bills to pay and a house to run...who has time for bed rest. And delivery? Please, my mom and sisters didn't have any problems with pregnancies, I am not about to change that trend. Not too mention the baby would be 5 1/2 weeks early, I need that time to mentally prepare.
Eva and I walk over to Labor and Delivery (walking should do wonders for high blood pressure right?) and find out that children under 12 years of age are not allowed due to the flu. I understood why, but at that moment I was frustrated. My life would be changing, and I had no control, nor did I know what to expect. The let me keep Eva with me in the room, but I had to have a plan for her. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to be here for just a couple hours so they can watch my blood pressure come down. So of course I didn't see what the big deal was. I had called my husband who was picking up the big kids from school and then coming to be with me. He had called his mom to see if she could come get Eva. They get me all hooked up to the machine and check my blood pressure every 15 minutes. (If you have ever been through this, it is not relaxing.)
Multiple Dr's come in and introduce themselves to me, asking me question after question. They check my urine again, and all the while I'm trying to stay calm for Eva so that she doesn't get stressed out. My mother-in-law comes to pick Eva up. My husband shows up and we're both thinking this is going to be a quick in and out visit. At most over night. He is with me when they take me to another more permanent room (that should have been my first warning.) and is great, he talks to me and reassures me. They are still checking my blood pressure every 15 minutes, and have mentioned multiple times my swollen feet. I have now had my blood drawn a couple times, and had an IV put in with a magnesium sulfate drip. I have to have help going to the bathroom, they're ordering an ultrasound, and more Dr's come in. During the ultrasound they notice that the baby is breech, and that my fluid level is lower than it should be, but the baby is okay.
My husband leaves, we're both still thinking this will end with me being on bed rest. At 11:30 that night 3 Dr's come in and tell me that my blood pressure is not going down after 9 hours of bed rest. They recommend delivery, and I have two options 1. vaginal or 2. cesarean. If I opted for a vaginal delivery they would have to try to manipulate the baby with their hands to get him in the right position, (he had his feet down) with no guarantee that he would stay that way, because I would be induced it could be anywhere from 3-5 days before I actually gave birth. Keep in mind we have no idea what any of this will do to my blood pressure, or how the baby will handle that kind of stress. If I opt for a cesarean delivery I would have to deal with a 6 week recovery period, surgery and trusting someone to cut into my stomach, and everything else that comes with a major surgery.
I call my husband as soon as the Dr's leave my room and tell him he needs to come to the hospital now. I'm emotional, he's levelheaded and takes charge, finding someone to stay with the kids and planning ahead. He gets to the hospital around 12:30 on Wednesday February 19th. He and I talk for a little bit and then the Dr's come in to explain things to my husband. He and I talk things over and pray about our options. This is not something we wanted to decide on a whim. Not only was there my health to think about, but the health of our baby. We decide to move forward with a cesarean delivery, and at 3:30am I am wheeled back for them to start.
Every visit starts the same; weight, urine, and blood pressure, followed by a list of questions I had begun to memorize. My blood pressure was high, the CNA asked me if it was normally high, and then said the Dr would double check when she came in. The Dr comes in and asks me questions, and double checks my blood pressure. Still high. She then measures my stomach (I was a little small for how far along I was.) and asks if she can check to see if I'm dilated. Then she checks my blood pressure again. Still high. She tells me that she wants to send me over to Labor and Delivery for observation, that they might prescribe bed rest or delivery.
I start crying, I am not ready for this. I am a very active person, I have 3 kids, I manage a business, I have bills to pay and a house to run...who has time for bed rest. And delivery? Please, my mom and sisters didn't have any problems with pregnancies, I am not about to change that trend. Not too mention the baby would be 5 1/2 weeks early, I need that time to mentally prepare.
Eva and I walk over to Labor and Delivery (walking should do wonders for high blood pressure right?) and find out that children under 12 years of age are not allowed due to the flu. I understood why, but at that moment I was frustrated. My life would be changing, and I had no control, nor did I know what to expect. The let me keep Eva with me in the room, but I had to have a plan for her. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to be here for just a couple hours so they can watch my blood pressure come down. So of course I didn't see what the big deal was. I had called my husband who was picking up the big kids from school and then coming to be with me. He had called his mom to see if she could come get Eva. They get me all hooked up to the machine and check my blood pressure every 15 minutes. (If you have ever been through this, it is not relaxing.)
Multiple Dr's come in and introduce themselves to me, asking me question after question. They check my urine again, and all the while I'm trying to stay calm for Eva so that she doesn't get stressed out. My mother-in-law comes to pick Eva up. My husband shows up and we're both thinking this is going to be a quick in and out visit. At most over night. He is with me when they take me to another more permanent room (that should have been my first warning.) and is great, he talks to me and reassures me. They are still checking my blood pressure every 15 minutes, and have mentioned multiple times my swollen feet. I have now had my blood drawn a couple times, and had an IV put in with a magnesium sulfate drip. I have to have help going to the bathroom, they're ordering an ultrasound, and more Dr's come in. During the ultrasound they notice that the baby is breech, and that my fluid level is lower than it should be, but the baby is okay.
My husband leaves, we're both still thinking this will end with me being on bed rest. At 11:30 that night 3 Dr's come in and tell me that my blood pressure is not going down after 9 hours of bed rest. They recommend delivery, and I have two options 1. vaginal or 2. cesarean. If I opted for a vaginal delivery they would have to try to manipulate the baby with their hands to get him in the right position, (he had his feet down) with no guarantee that he would stay that way, because I would be induced it could be anywhere from 3-5 days before I actually gave birth. Keep in mind we have no idea what any of this will do to my blood pressure, or how the baby will handle that kind of stress. If I opt for a cesarean delivery I would have to deal with a 6 week recovery period, surgery and trusting someone to cut into my stomach, and everything else that comes with a major surgery.
I call my husband as soon as the Dr's leave my room and tell him he needs to come to the hospital now. I'm emotional, he's levelheaded and takes charge, finding someone to stay with the kids and planning ahead. He gets to the hospital around 12:30 on Wednesday February 19th. He and I talk for a little bit and then the Dr's come in to explain things to my husband. He and I talk things over and pray about our options. This is not something we wanted to decide on a whim. Not only was there my health to think about, but the health of our baby. We decide to move forward with a cesarean delivery, and at 3:30am I am wheeled back for them to start.
February 15, 2014
set up for success
Lately I have been listening to and reading books about communicating and relationships. One idea that has come up and stuck with me is setting someone up for success.
For instance, am I setting my husband up for success when I leave hints about what I want instead of coming right out and telling him? No, that's expecting him to understand my hints and hoping that he will decipher them correctly.
Am I setting my children up for success when I force my expectations on them? This last week I had an epiphany concerning the bookshelf in my daughter's room. I had been telling them over and over to have the books standing up, all facing the same way, etc. (I blame the fact that I work at a bookstore.) Well it is hard for a 4 and 6 year old to hold the books up with one hand and put books away with the other hand. I realized that I was only setting them up to fail because I wasn't putting myself in their shoes. So I talked to them about it and we decided that as long as the books are on the bookshelf, I don't care. (I'm still working on that last part.)
Am I setting myself up for success when I make my to-do list so impossibly long that there is no physical way to accomplish everything in a 24 hour period? That is of course leaving no time for any "me" time, sleep or anything remotely relaxing. I'm only setting myself up to be frustrated with myself and then taking that out on the rest of my family. That's not fair to me or them.
What I have learned, and am still learning, is that I need to be more understanding. Maybe my expectations need to be lowered so that they're more attainable. No one is perfect, why do I expect my husband and kids to be? Who is making my to-do list? Me, so why do I get so frustrated when I don't get the entire house cleaned up in one day. Does it matter if the floor isn't swept when visitors come over? No, and if it bothers them, then they need to learn to relax.
I cannot live my life trying to please everyone. First and foremost I need to make sure that I have balance in my life. If I personally am all over the place I can't possibly hope to help my family grow. Once I find personal balance then I can reach out to my husband and help him in what he needs, and my kids, and then friends and extended family. That isn't saying that I neglect those that I love and care about until I'm taken care of, but realizing that I need to take time for myself. It's not selfish, it's for the good of the family and anyone else I come in contact. When I am a better person, I am better able to care for and help others.
For instance, am I setting my husband up for success when I leave hints about what I want instead of coming right out and telling him? No, that's expecting him to understand my hints and hoping that he will decipher them correctly.
Am I setting my children up for success when I force my expectations on them? This last week I had an epiphany concerning the bookshelf in my daughter's room. I had been telling them over and over to have the books standing up, all facing the same way, etc. (I blame the fact that I work at a bookstore.) Well it is hard for a 4 and 6 year old to hold the books up with one hand and put books away with the other hand. I realized that I was only setting them up to fail because I wasn't putting myself in their shoes. So I talked to them about it and we decided that as long as the books are on the bookshelf, I don't care. (I'm still working on that last part.)
Am I setting myself up for success when I make my to-do list so impossibly long that there is no physical way to accomplish everything in a 24 hour period? That is of course leaving no time for any "me" time, sleep or anything remotely relaxing. I'm only setting myself up to be frustrated with myself and then taking that out on the rest of my family. That's not fair to me or them.
What I have learned, and am still learning, is that I need to be more understanding. Maybe my expectations need to be lowered so that they're more attainable. No one is perfect, why do I expect my husband and kids to be? Who is making my to-do list? Me, so why do I get so frustrated when I don't get the entire house cleaned up in one day. Does it matter if the floor isn't swept when visitors come over? No, and if it bothers them, then they need to learn to relax.
I cannot live my life trying to please everyone. First and foremost I need to make sure that I have balance in my life. If I personally am all over the place I can't possibly hope to help my family grow. Once I find personal balance then I can reach out to my husband and help him in what he needs, and my kids, and then friends and extended family. That isn't saying that I neglect those that I love and care about until I'm taken care of, but realizing that I need to take time for myself. It's not selfish, it's for the good of the family and anyone else I come in contact. When I am a better person, I am better able to care for and help others.
February 3, 2014
introspection
There are some things in life you just won't be 100% prepared for.
Public speaking, moving to a new place, marriage, driving in a new city, a new job, a new baby...just to name a few. My point is that no matter how much you read, practice, study, or research, something unexpected will come up.
When I first spoke in public I was terrified, I'm pretty sure I sped through my speech and thought I was going to throw up. Moving to a new place is always an anxiety causing experience for me. Marriage has been an eye opening experience, to go from being selfish and only thinking about me to wanting and needing to think about someone else. Driving in a new city you start by following the posted speed limit...until you realize that everyone else is going at least 10 mph faster than you. New jobs are always exciting, that is until you realize someone else on the team applied for the position you now have. And then there's the baby...
I started going through all the baby clothes we've received tonight. And it hit me, in not too long of a time I will have given birth and have a baby. A little boy who is completely reliant on myself and my husband for everything. He won't be able to feed, bathe, clothe, change, or even roll himself over for some time. It also struck me how much my Heavenly Father trusts me to allow this little baby boy to come into my life. He trusts me to take care of him and teach him what he needs to know to succeed in life. I pray that I will live up to that trust, that both my Heavenly Father and my little boy are looking down on me with smiles on their faces.
I am far from perfect, when thinking about this new chapter of my life I am even more aware of my inadequacies. But I know that with the Lord's help I will be successful and be able to do the things that matter. I will be able to look at a situation and determine what is good, better, and best and then go do what is best. I know that I will have off days, and then I'll wake up the next morning and try to do better.
Babies don't come with an owners manual. Marriages don't come with a "what-not-to-do list". Everything we do in life is a series of choices, and the consequences of those choices. Life is a series of tests, trials and learning experiences. I can choose to learn from the rough days, or I can choose to allow them to drag me down into thinking I'll never be a good person. There is no way to be completely ready for any situation. The important thing is our attitude about it and how we handle what curve-balls are thrown at us.
Public speaking, moving to a new place, marriage, driving in a new city, a new job, a new baby...just to name a few. My point is that no matter how much you read, practice, study, or research, something unexpected will come up.
When I first spoke in public I was terrified, I'm pretty sure I sped through my speech and thought I was going to throw up. Moving to a new place is always an anxiety causing experience for me. Marriage has been an eye opening experience, to go from being selfish and only thinking about me to wanting and needing to think about someone else. Driving in a new city you start by following the posted speed limit...until you realize that everyone else is going at least 10 mph faster than you. New jobs are always exciting, that is until you realize someone else on the team applied for the position you now have. And then there's the baby...
I started going through all the baby clothes we've received tonight. And it hit me, in not too long of a time I will have given birth and have a baby. A little boy who is completely reliant on myself and my husband for everything. He won't be able to feed, bathe, clothe, change, or even roll himself over for some time. It also struck me how much my Heavenly Father trusts me to allow this little baby boy to come into my life. He trusts me to take care of him and teach him what he needs to know to succeed in life. I pray that I will live up to that trust, that both my Heavenly Father and my little boy are looking down on me with smiles on their faces.
I am far from perfect, when thinking about this new chapter of my life I am even more aware of my inadequacies. But I know that with the Lord's help I will be successful and be able to do the things that matter. I will be able to look at a situation and determine what is good, better, and best and then go do what is best. I know that I will have off days, and then I'll wake up the next morning and try to do better.
Babies don't come with an owners manual. Marriages don't come with a "what-not-to-do list". Everything we do in life is a series of choices, and the consequences of those choices. Life is a series of tests, trials and learning experiences. I can choose to learn from the rough days, or I can choose to allow them to drag me down into thinking I'll never be a good person. There is no way to be completely ready for any situation. The important thing is our attitude about it and how we handle what curve-balls are thrown at us.
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