set up for success

Lately I have been listening to and reading books about communicating and relationships. One idea that has come up and stuck with me is setting someone up for success.

For instance, am I setting my husband up for success when I leave hints about what I want instead of coming right out and telling him? No, that's expecting him to understand my hints and hoping that he will decipher them correctly.

Am I setting my children up for success when I force my expectations on them? This last week I had an epiphany concerning the bookshelf in my daughter's room. I had been telling them over and over to have the books standing up, all facing the same way, etc. (I blame the fact that I work at a bookstore.) Well it is hard for a 4 and 6 year old to hold the books up with one hand and put books away with the other hand. I realized that I was only setting them up to fail because I wasn't putting myself in their shoes. So I talked to them about it and we decided that as long as the books are on the bookshelf, I don't care. (I'm still working on that last part.)

Am I setting myself up for success when I make my to-do list so impossibly long that there is no physical way to accomplish everything in a 24 hour period? That is of course leaving no time for any "me" time, sleep or anything remotely relaxing. I'm only setting myself up to be frustrated with myself and then taking that out on the rest of my family. That's not fair to me or them.

What I have learned, and am still learning, is that I need to be more understanding. Maybe my expectations need to be lowered so that they're more attainable. No one is perfect, why do I expect my husband and kids to be? Who is making my to-do list? Me, so why do I get so frustrated when I don't get the entire house cleaned up in one day. Does it matter if the floor isn't swept when visitors come over? No, and if it bothers them, then they need to learn to relax.

I cannot live my life trying to please everyone. First and foremost I need to make sure that I have balance in my life. If I personally am all over the place I can't possibly hope to help my family grow. Once I find personal balance then I can reach out to my husband and help him in what he needs, and my kids, and then friends and extended family. That isn't saying that I neglect those that I love and care about until I'm taken care of, but realizing that I need to take time for myself. It's not selfish, it's for the good of the family and anyone else I come in contact. When I am a better person, I am better able to care for and help others.