I had a minor breakdown today. Thank goodness for a husband who is simply amazing and listens when I vent. Let's just say that I was REALLY looking forward to two days alone with my husband.
I've been reading up on step-parenting and the "do's" and "don'ts" of blending a family. The thing is...each situation is so very different. Not to mention you have to consider the circumstances surrounding the divorce/death/separation, previous experiences, whether or not there are children involved; all of that plays an important part in combining two completely separate families and making them one. It's hard for me to read those books and articles when my situation is unique (at least I feel that it is).
The kids' mother has never been one to "mother". Bedtime stories, tucking them in, making dinner, doing laundry, just being there; these are things that she never did. Not to mention she is a drug addict and since my husband divorced her 3 years ago she is very inconsistent with her visitations. She usually buys presents for them when she comes, to make up for the fact that she isn't around. Since I have been in the picture I have tried to fill that role. (Some people might question the wisdom in that decision, but my husband and I have determined that that is what the kids need.) I have never once urged them to call me mom, or tell me "I love you" or show physical affection. BUT, 50% of the time they do call me mom. That shows me that they want and need a motherly influence.
My venting today was about the resentment I was feeling, that was probably THE hardest thing to have to tell my husband. I love the kids, but it is hard to go from being single, to being partially responsible for 4 other people. I also told him that I feel like a failure; between work and home I don't feel line I am able to give 100% to everything.
Being married is never easy, but to throw 3 kids into the mix right off the bat feels like insanity sometimes. There have been a few times when I have wondered if I married Matt at the right time. Not because I don't love him, because I do, but because of the kids. I wonder if we had waited a little longer if they would have been better off, or if I would have been able to adjust more.
After I vented and went on a drive (I went grocery shopping), I came home and started laundry. Emma and Eva LOVE to watch what I'm doing. They usually follow me around instead of playing. Well Eva was watching me so she helped me put the groceries away and then helped me start laundry. She's only 3 so I was asking her what the different colors were as I separated the whites and colors. At dinner time when we went around and asked everyone what their favorite part of the day was, Eva said, "Helping you." THAT is why I am doing what I do. Jack, Emma, and Eva deserve my best. I am determined to give them just that.
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