co-parenting...not for the faint of heart

My husbands ex-wife just left our house today. We flew her down 5 days ago to be here for our daughter Eva's baptism. We paid for the ticket (this was actually my idea, it was for Eva, not for the ex.) and let her stay in our house...for 5 days. This is the second time we've done this for her, and it was difficult both times.
My husband and I try very hard not to talk negatively about his ex in front of the kids. We try not to argue with her (when she is here) in front of them. Basically we try our best to give them the best impression of her. This is SOOO difficult. There is a reason that my husband has full custody and I am working on adopting them. My husband (it always comes from him) has started to share some things with our oldest two, very few things.
I don't know how it is with other families. You read these stories of parents that both get re-married, they share custody of their children and both couples go to everything to support their child. You also see stories of one parent having primary custody and having to clean up messes the other parent creates. (Missing birthdays or visits, broken promises, etc.) There is a myriad of parenting styles when it comes to children and divorce. I don't know what is right and what is wrong, and that is hard. Sometimes I need a clear black and white answer. But with parenting...there is no black and white. It's all one big gray mess.
When my husbands ex visits, it's all fun. We excused the kids from school for 3 days. We skipped our regular bedtime routine. Chores were not done. When she leaves, we have to re-train the kids on all of this. It's a struggle to get them to bed on time, and then up for school the next day. We have to detox our house from junk-food (we're attempting to eat healthier by not buying junk-food). We have to emphasize manners and how to be respectful. This is difficult. I want my children to have fun with their mom, I want them to have memories with her. But it's hard to think that afterwards, my husband and I will be thought of as the "bad guys" because we enforce routines and rules.
My husband and I both took time off work for her visit. My husband so he could supervise her time with the kids, me so I could keep our youngest busy. I didn't watch the baby I normally watch so that the kids wouldn't be distracted. So not only did we pay for her to come down here, but we missed out on a weeks worth of pay to make it so she could focus on the kids. It was difficult for our youngest because he LOVES his brother and sisters. He was constantly asking where they were and wanted to follow them around.
I guess my point is that if you marry someone who has kids, or you get divorced and have kids, you can never really tell how it will be if you (or they) get re-married. I never even thought about what it would be like before my husband and I got married. I wish my husbands ex and I could be on better terms. I think that could help, but it's difficult to put trust in someone who has a troubled history.
If I could offer any advice for someone in a similar situation:

1. Attempt to forge a relationship with your children's other parent. Try to get to a point that you can talk to each other respectfully and with dignity.
2. DO NOT pit your children against their parent(s). They are not a tool to use for your own gain, or a weapon to hurt your (or your spouses) ex.
3. If you are in a situation where this is appropriate, communicate with your children beforehand. Kids don't do well with sudden changes, they need time to prepare themselves for big things. My family is not in a position that this works. So we have to communicate after the visit is over.
4. Be patient with yourself, the ex, your spouse, and the kids. If you are struggling with the relationship, or a visit, or broken promises...then they probably are too.
5. Lastly, LOVE your children. Even when they act out, or don't listen, or do something you don't like. What they need during difficult times, is LOVE.

If you're experiencing this or something similar right now, good luck. You can do hard things. This too shall pass.

(step) parenting is hard

4 and a half years ago I married my sweet husband. I went from being single to being a wife and a mother to 3. We were fortunate enough that we didn't need to worry about shared custody, which I think in my situation would have made it a lot more difficult. My husbands ex did come to visit somewhat regularly, and it worked out okay for us.
Becoming an insta-mom was a lot more difficult than I thought it would be. Ever since I was around 12 all I ever wanted to be was a mom. I have been pretty close to my mom for most of my life, and she made it look so easy! I had babysat my nieces and nephews and kids in my church, so I was not a novice when I got married. But there is no preparing you for being a parent.
EVERY child is different. They have different histories, fears, wants, needs, insecurities, talents, desires. They communicate in different ways and need love expressed to them in different ways. Add in the various things we adults throw at them and it becomes one great big ball of tangled emotions and who knows what else. We put kids through major life changes and sometimes expect them to just adapt...when, let's face it, it's not that easy for adults to adapt all the time.
Here are some things I think I nailed:

• We included my 3 oldest in almost every aspect of our wedding. They were the ones that announces the marriage on the invitations. Our wedding cake said, "Introducing the Veil Family..." and listed all our names. We took family pictures as well as couple pictures. Before we even became officially engaged, we made sure the kids were supportive.
• I never pressured the kids to call me mom. I told them they could call me Katie, and if they wanted to call me mom, I would be more than happy to answer to that.
• Knowing their history, I didn't push them to hug me or say "I love you" or to kiss me on the cheek. I let them move at their own pace.
• I haven't done as well as I'd like, but I have tried to not treat my oldest 3 different from my youngest, who I gave birth too. They are all my children and I love them all.

Here are some things I wish I would have done differently:

• I wish I would have talked to more people that had blended families. I didn't really know what to expect. I know that each situation is different, but to talk to other families would have helped me prepare mentally for the various possibilities. 
• I wish I would have spent more time one-on-one with the kids before my husband and I got married. I wish I would have gotten to know them; their likes, dislikes, their passions...all of it.
• I wish my husband and I would have spent more time discussing our parenting styles and what we were passionate about. This has been a hard thing to blend, and talking about it beforehand would have made that a little easier.
• I wish we would have discussed as a family the expectations we had; chores, bedtimes, homework, routines, etc. It was hard for me to come into all of that, and I didn't really know what to do.

Many times I have wished I could have been there from the very beginning. That I could have been the one to rock them to sleep, read them bedtime stories, play games, cook with them. I can do those things now, but that bonding that happens in the first few years didn't happen. I am the closest (emotionally and affectionately) with my 2 girls (Emma and Eva) who are 10 and 8.  I have the easiest time communicating with my oldest son (Jack) who is 12, but he is not very open to hugs and shows of affection. I have tried several things throughout the 4 and a half years I've been in their lives to foster that connection and encourage bonding. I will periodically leave them notes on their beds or in their lunchboxes. We somewhat regularly go around our dinner table and take turns saying one thing we like about everyone. I have started a journal for my 2 oldest when they turned 10. I write in them and will give the journals to them when they turn 18. I crochet and I made blankets for each of them. Jack got his around the time Matthew was born, Emma and Eva got theirs at the same time 2 Christmas's ago. Jack gets his hugs from me through Matthew.
In a lot of ways, Matthew, who is almost 4, has brought us closer. Jack, Emma, and Eva adore him and he loves them. Emotionally I feel closest to Matthew, but I think that is expected because I gave birth to him. A lot of times I will tell Matthew stories, and tie in Jack, Emma, and Eva since I know they're listening, but don't necessarily want the same attention I'm showing to Matthew.
I am also in the process of adopting my 3 oldest. Hopefully this will be completed in the next few months. We've also all been sealed as a family for time and all eternity. In the LDS church we believe that families can be together forever. In LDS temples this is called a sealing, and is a very special and sacred occasion to us.
It is much easier now than it was at first. I didn't think I'd ever say that, and there's still A LOT I need to learn and fix. But, the important thing is that I love my kids, all 4 of them, and I would do anything for them.

they never said, "i told you so."

When I was 19 I got married. I had known the guy for 3 months. My parents warned me and advised me not to marry him, but I thought I knew everything. Almost immediately after we got married, I realized he was not the person I thought he was.
To start off with; we were married by a justice of the peace...on my LUNCH BREAK! Ridiculous right? Almost every girl dreams of her wedding day and makes plans for how they want it to look and be. I let that be pushed aside because my future-husband couldn't hold down a job and needed somewhere to live. Looking back this is quite a large warning sign, and I ignored it.
Once we were married I came to understand that he had no interest in holding a legitimate job. He was more motivated too attempt to deal drugs and sleep all day. This was on the other end of the spectrum from how I was raised, yet I looked the other way.
Things slowly got worse. We racked up close to $30,000 in debt; we were only together for 9 months. We fought constantly; he started becoming violent and emotionally and verbally abusive. He would get very jealous if I talked to any of my male coworkers, but didn't want to put effort into our relationship. I put so much of myself into our relationship, 110% as often as I could. I was not perfect, there were times when I would instigate arguments to get a reaction from him.
When I finally realized that this was not a healthy relationship, I got out. When I made it clear to him that I was ending it he threatened to drive our car into a river with both of us in it. I got away from him safely and made it home and called the police. He ended up going to jail for 1-3 months, at this point I can't remember how long it was. He never said he was sorry, and he didn't help me pay for any of the bills we had accumulated.
My point in writing this is to share what my parents did. They supported ME through everything. That doesn't mean they supported the choices I was making. They never said, "I told you so." They loved me through it all. They let me move back in with them, rent-free. My mom would sit with me and call bill collectors for me when I couldn't handle it anymore. My dad drove across the state with me to return the car that I couldn't afford to keep anymore. (Only to find out when we got there that we could have done it at home.)
Never once did they belittle me for my decision to go against their advice. I came to better understand how much they loved me. I hope to someday be that kind of parent. I have a long ways to go from where I am right now.
I shared this story with one of my coworkers a while back. Just this week she told me how my parents reaction has stuck with her and helped her to take a step back with her own child. Sometimes our gut reaction won't be the best option. I'm grateful to my parents for taking a step back and not focusing on the choices, but on me as their daughter.
I would not be the person I am today if all of this hadn't happened. So...thank you, mom and dad.

invest in yourself

Getting back into blogging has been on my mind a lot lately.
My brother surprised me for my birthday and we started talking about our dreams. I told him that my dream had always been to be a mom, and now that I am one, I don't really know what to look forward too. As I got to thinking about it, I realized that I really want to help people. I want to help others see the good they can do. I want to help others see how strong they are. I want to help others realize that they are not alone in their trials.
I don't have anything unique or extraordinary to share. I just want to share my experiences, and hopefully someone will be able to find strength or comfort through them.
I am also getting back into this for me. I feel like I have kind of lost myself amidst all the demands on me and my time. This will allow me to discover my interests and abilities again. It is hard being a mom, wife, employee and everything else that is going on. Many times the only thing I do for myself during the day is read. (Which I do far too much of. 😊) This will be my time for ME. I need to invest in myself to be a better wife and mom, so I'm going to start making deposits in myself starting now.

breathe in, breathe out

Life is busy. There seems to always be something demanding your time. Between family, work, school, running a home, sports, holidays, exercising, and everything else that we can fill our time with, we need to remember one thing.
BREATHE.
Breathe for yourself, be grateful that you're alive, that you can see and feel and hear and run and jump. Breathe for those around you, pray for understanding and patience, sympathy and knowledge, but most of all, pray to love them. Breathe for your family, to love them the way they need to be loved, and not the way you think it should be.
Once you've breathed in the good, breathe out the bad. The leftovers. The waste.
Breathe out the frustration; with yourself, your kids, your job, your boss, the government. Breathe it all out. Let it be. Allow it to be okay, and remember that there is usually something you don't understand. Breathe out the anger, do not let it control you. Be the master of your mind and your body. Breathe out your weakness, you're stronger than you think you are.
When that is all done, start over. Surround yourself with good. Just don't forget to breathe.

apples and oranges

I've mentioned a blog that I follow a few times, the author is Matt Walsh. He does not shy away from difficult subjects, but chooses to face them head on. He has put his name out there and attracted millions of readers. Many of his posts cause people to think and respond, to analyze, and occasionally to debate. The following is one of them. Motherhood isn’t tougher than fatherhood, but maybe we should all stop competing
He wrote that post on April 15th, after viewing a commercial for a greeting card company. I read the post and then watched the commercial. The commercial is a mock job interview for an impossibly difficult position. The interviewee's then learn that there are millions of people who perform this job on a daily basis. They are mother's. The commercial then ends with the reminder that Mother's Day is coming up.
The commercial did a decent job of describing what a mom does, but unfortunately, there is no way that you can possibly summarize the role of a mother in 5 minutes.
Matt Walsh posted on motherhood and fatherhood, and the fact that one isn't more difficult than the other. I agree with him. Motherhood and fatherhood are different, it's like comparing apples and oranges. One isn't "better" than the other, one isn't "sweeter" than the other. They're different, they're unique, and they're each wonderful and special in their own way,
When I read the blog post, and watched the commercial, I decided that I don't like to describe motherhood as a job. For me, being a mom is something I choose to do. When I married my husband, I knew that I would be filling the role of mom for his 3 kids. It has been one of the most difficult decisions to follow-up with, but the feeling I get when I hear them call me "Mommy" because they WANT to is priceless.
When I found out I was pregnant last summer, I knew that my life was going to drastically change again. I knew that my focus, my motivation, and my center would shift. Let me be clear, I love Jack, Emma, and Eva with all my heart. I would do anything for them, but I didn't understand the depth of love I was capable of as a mother because I hadn't given birth. Some people may dispute that, but for me it is the truth.
I choose to wake up in the middle of the night with Matthew, I choose to cook dinner, I choose to sit down and read books with Emma and Eva. No one forces me to do it. Society has convinced us that kids need to have extracurricular activities, the younger they start, the better. This can be beneficial for the child, but it also adds stress to the family. That's something that needs to be considered. None of our kids are currently enrolled in any extra activity. This is for multiple reasons, but I can tell you, I don't feel stressed about spending the whole day in the car shuttling kids to where ever they need to be. I love that I get to spend time with the kids when they get home from school. I can take time with Jack when he does his homework and make sure that he understands it. I can color with Emma, which she absolutely loves to do. I can put on music and watch Eva dance while I get dinner ready.
I'm not trying to say I don't have bad days, because I do. I guess what I'm trying to say is that parents should know their limitations. There is no "right" way to parent. Kids will be fine if they don't have a tablet when they're 8 years old, they will be fine if they aren't enrolled in sports year round, and they will be fine if they aren't wearing name brand clothes. On the other hand, they will NOT be fine if they don't feel they can talk to their parents, they will not be fine if mom and dad don't express love and affection, and they will not be fine if parents work more than they are at home. Children don't understand our motivations as adults. They see and understand things in very simplistic terms. "Mom yelled at me" could mean either that 1. Mom doesn't love me, or 2. Mom is unhappy with something I did. In my experience they don't go to, "Mom is having a bad day and it has nothing to do with me."
My advice to parents (and myself) would be, take a step back. Spend quality time with your kids, even if it is just 10 minutes a day. Start small, and be okay with the little things. Talk to your kids, find out what they enjoy, and do it with them. Our children will be tomorrow's leaders, they will be our legacy. What type of leader's will they be? Are we being the type of parents that our kids can be proud of?

being a mom

Matthew is 7 weeks old today. I have been at home (or in the hospital) for 7 weeks. I have worked full time for the last 9 years, at least 40 hours every week, usually more. I have been able to clock in and out and leave work at work, except of course when I'm a manager and occasionally need to bring work home. I am unable to do that now.

I have a new respect for stay-at-home parents, single parents, and every other type of parent. Being a stay-at-home-mom is not easy. Many times it is thankless work, it is exhausting 24 hours a day-7 days a week type of work. It is humbling to realize that your boss is someone who can't sleep through the night, or someone who has to use a stool to wash her hands. Many times I wake up tired, (right now that's because of the infant who doesn't sleep through the night) some days I don't take a shower until 9pm, and my shirt ends up being the tissue for noses as well as eyes.

On the days when I don't want to speak to another child, or pick up a crying infant, or answer another question...I hear my girls laugh while they're playing, I get to help Jack with his homework and hear about his day, I get to cuddle with Matthew, I play a game with them and see how happy they are with something so simple, I make cookies with them and get to teach them as well as enjoy chocolate...those are the things that make it worth it.

Being a parent is hard, I've never heard anyone say otherwise. Over the past 7 weeks I have determined that I would rather have the stay-at-home-mom kind of hard over working full-time hard. Being a mom is fulfilling and gratifying and so very worth all the frustrations and tears that I shed over my own inadequacies.

the love of a mother

On March 19th my little man was one month old. It's amazing how much can happen in such a short amount of time.
Baby Matthew spent 20 days in the NICU at Doernbecher's Children's Hospital in Portland. I am grateful for the nurses and doctors who took such good care of him, for the volunteers that go in and hold the babies when the nurses can't. I'm thankful for family who came to help me by watching Jack, Emma, and Eva so that I could go to the hospital.
On March 10th Matthew came home. We had a follow up appointment for him on the 13th, he was up to 5lbs 7.5oz and 18.75 inches long. That weekend I noticed that his skin was slightly yellow, but only in certain light. Then on Monday the 17th he was really sleepy, and not eating well. I took him to the chiropractor for an adjustment, (It's amazing what our bodies can go through. His little body was in need of an adjustment.) then when I got home and had to wake him up to feed him, I started to worry. I called our clinic and described what I was seeing and told them I was worried it was jaundice. They recommended that I take him to the Emergency Room. Well, as a mother that's not really what you want to hear.
I took him into the Emergency Room, and within 15 minutes of checking in they had us back and were checking Matthew out. His temperature was 96, instead of 98.6, he still wasn't eating well and when they weighed him he hadn't gained any weight since the previous Thursday. They started drawing blood, and putting an IV in. I sat with him, trying to keep my emotions in check, but of course thinking that I'm a bad mom and that's why he's in the hospital after being home for only a week.
We were in the hospital from Monday night to Friday morning. He had a cold, which honestly is unavoidable, and turns out he had a UTI. They had him on an IV for the majority of the time for the UTI, and sent him home with an oral antibiotic.
Looking back on the last month I'm amazed at how quickly priorities can change. In a split second my life changed, all because of the miracle of birth. A 4lb 6oz little boy, became one of the 5 most important people in my life. For a short while I was resentful of Jack, Emma, and Eva, because they were taking my away from Matthew. I'm slowly learning how to handle everything. How to make time for the things that matter and how to let the things that don't matter slide.
I was worried that Jack, Emma, and Eva wouldn't like having a little brother. They absolutely love him. Emma would sit and stare at him all day if I would let her. He is a joy to have, and has helped me understand the love of a mother, and see what really matters in life.
I love all my kids. Jack, Emma, and Eva are so special, and have been through so much. They are resilient and so loving. They are forgiving and understanding. They want to be loved, and I'm lucky enough that they have chosen me to love them, and that they choose to call me mom. Matthew was sent to me. He is my gift from God, I have a responsibility to all 4 of my kids to teach them, love them, play with them, and to let them be kids, to allow them to learn and grow, and to encourage them to reach their potential.

have you ever wondered?

Matthew is 17 days old. I have been to the hospital every day. I have spent time holding him, caring for him, talking to him, reading to him and just watching him. In my eyes he is the most beautiful and perfect little boy. He is a blessing in my life and when I'm with him I feel more complete.

As I have spent time with him I have also had a lot of time to think. One day I was telling him about his other family members. I started with my siblings and then my husbands. One of my brothers and his wife were expecting a baby at the time, a little girl who they were naming Dresden Adele. I told Matthew about Dresden, and asked him if he remembered her. He got the cutest little smile on his face.

One thought that has come up more than once in the past two and a half weeks is, "What did he do before he was born?" I believe that before we were born we existed as spirits. I think that during that time we were able to communicate with each other and developed relationships with people. Most definitely with our family members and close friends. Sometimes there is someone that you just connect with, and you can't really explain it. I think that goes back to the time before we were born.

Matthew is named after his dad and his grandpa, who passed away when my husband was 13. I think that Matthew was able to get to know his grandpa better than any of us here on earth. There is also my Aunt Mary, Grandma Hoffman, Grandpa and Grandma Kirbey, Grandpa Cox, Grandpa John and many others that my little boy was able to learn from and get to know.

Have you ever wondered what babies dream about? I think they're learning. I think that is time that our Heavenly Father uses to teach them the things that they will need to know to succeed in life. I'm not talking about financial or worldly success, but the ability to overcome trials. To rise above the bad and negative that is so prevalent in the world today and see the good.

It can sometimes be pointless to ponder these things because we won't ever know the answer. All of this is speculation and personal belief. Just because I believe something doesn't mean that other people are going to, but hopefully they will respect it. And maybe, it will help them to see things in a different light, to think outside the box and push their limits.

brownie batter

Sometimes brownie batter makes everything better.

I was having one of "those" days today. Sometimes I forget that the kids are coping with change just like I am. The difference is that they don't have the experience or the maturity to know how to deal with it. Usually they deal with it by; acting out, breaking rules, being disobedient, pushing limits, etc... I feel like I've talked to each of the kids at least 3 times since I got home from the hospital on the 23rd of February.

When I talk to them I try to find out what's going on. But then you have to wonder how much they're really understanding and if they know how to express what they're thinking and feeling. We use questions like, "Are you sad?" "Are you frustrated about anything?" "Is something upsetting you?" Sometimes this works, sometimes it doesn't.

All I know is that we've had a crazy two weeks. I'm exhausted by it, my husband is exhausted by it, and the kids are doing great. I just have to remind myself of that. And for the days that I forget, there's always brownie batter.

good, better, and best

Time management is hard. Hopefully I'm not the only one with this problem. It's always been a struggle for me. And now that I have a baby in the NICU, as well as 3 kids at home and a house to run, I'm discovering more difficulties.

It's hard to know what's GOOD, BETTER, and BEST. I know it's GOOD to clean my house, but spending one on one time with my kids is probably BETTER. The really hard decision is how much time to spend at the hospital with my baby. I don't want Jack, Emma and Eva to feel neglected or replaced. I have spent the last year getting to know them, and developing a relationship with them.

I love them, but since having baby Matthew occasionally I feel resentment, because I know I can't spend all day with my baby. I have other responsibilities, people that are counting on me. Don't get me wrong, they are fantastic and amazing kids, and I am proud of the fact that they call me Mom. To me that is an honor, and I don't take it lightly. There are times when I get upset and frustrated and Eva won't call me Mom, that is a rude awakening that I have let her down.

I guess I'm learning that I can't choose between my kids. They are all important to me. At certain times one will receive more attention than the others. I think that's normal because each of us are so different and unique. Right now Matthew needs me, and I need to know that he is okay. I have sat down and talked with Jack, Emma, and Eva and let them know that I need their help. They are so great; vacuuming, sweeping, cleaning their rooms, dishes, laundry...they definitely know how to work hard and help around the house.

As a parent, it's hard not to second guess yourself at every turn.

life changes in an instant pt 3

So now we get to the fun part, recovery. My husband was unable to spend the entire time with me at the hospital, due to the fact that we have 3 other kids, and he has a business to run. (Thank goodness that both of us have jobs that are flexible!) He would make a point of coming to see baby Matthew and I every day though. Aside from my husband I had a few visitors and lots of people checking to see how I was doing. I have to say that I love my church, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is set up so that members look out for one another. I had at least 10 people either visit or call/text to see how I was.

The first day or so I just wanted to sleep, I was so tired. Unfortunately the medication I was on required them to continue to check on me every hour. This made for a lot of interrupted sleep. I was unable to go visit baby Matthew on my own. I wasn't steady enough to walk yet, that took me until the day after the surgery, and even then it was very slow, small steps. The first time I went to the NICU a nurse followed me with a wheelchair. I was very content to just hold my baby. I just wanted to love on him. He was so very precious, the one thing I wish was different was me not being able to hold him immediately after delivery. I wanted that time to connect and bond with him.

He clasps his hands together like this all the time.

Every day I went down multiple times to hold him. I got to change diapers, feed him (or at least try too, he's still figuring out the bottle) and really just love on him. The only problem was that I was exhausted! Every time I would hold him I would start to fall asleep, needless to say he's a very comfortable cuddle buddy.

They were still checking my blood pressure throughout the day. It was not stabilizing like they wanted it too. I ended up being in the hospital for a total of 5 days. They sent me home with a blood pressure medication and all sorts of limitations because of the surgery.

I now get to go see my baby every day in the NICU. I have good days and hard days. It is hard to leave him. I am a brand new mom, and for some reason trusting someone who's been a nurse for almost 30 years to take care of my baby is hard. I know though that he is in the best place. OHSU is known for their work, and Doernbechers Children's Hospital is nationally renowned. I have to remember that he is in charge of when he comes home. When he is ready he will eat from a bottle and nurse. When he's ready he will gain more weight. And in the meantime, I will get to love on him every day, as much as I can.

life changes in an instant pt 2

Matthew Steven Veil 02.19.2014 4:43am 4 lbs 6 oz 17 3/4"

Once I get in the operating room they numb me up. It is a weird sensation to feel everything from the chest down slowly lose feeling. They strap me down and put up the shield in front of my face. I'm going from hot to cold and back again, I'm feeling nauseous, but thank goodness my wonderful husband is there to hold my hand and be with me. I can only feel the pressure as they work through the surgery. Even though I was numb, the amount of pressure when the pushed on my stomach to get the baby out was intense. I can only imagine how much a vaginal delivery would hurt. Once the baby was out I heard the most beautiful sound, his cry. He could breathe on his own! Being 5 1/2 weeks early, I had been worried about that, I knew it would lengthen his time in the hospital if he couldn't. I was able to see him really quickly before they took him away to clean him up and make sure everything else was working okay.

My husband was able to go see him, but couldn't hold him right away. They put an IV in him and had monitors for his heart rate, respiratory rate, oxygen intake and all the other little checks they do. Meanwhile I'm being sewn up, this was probably the most uncomfortable part. Once they finish that I am wheeled into a recovery room where I spend the next 1 1/2 to 2 hours waiting for my body to regain feeling. For the first 30 minutes or so I was shaking uncontrollably. I was told this was due to the shock of the surgery.  I was so thirsty and starving! I think it was around 6:30 when they finally let me have ice chips, my husband spoon fed them too me since I couldn't move anything. :) They had this amazing gown that could have warm or cold air blown through it, I was cold and this was a God send.

They finally get me up to a room, and on the way I was able to see my handsome prince. They wheeled my bed past his incubator (we made quite a pair at this point) and I could barely touch his hand. He was hooked up to so many monitors, it just about broke my heart. After that they get me to my room and get me settled. I finally have feeling in my legs, but I am super groggy and quite drugged. They are still checking my blood pressure every hour, as well as my temperature and oxygen intake. This means that a CNA would come in every hour to personally check, talk about not being able to sleep. At this point I think I had been up for 29 hours, while my husband had been up for around 32 hours. Thank goodness my husband was able to fall asleep for a little bit.

I wasn't able to hold baby Matthew until he was 14 hours old, and it was only for about 15 minutes. They had to have a nurse take me in a wheelchair, I had an IV, and Matthew was hooked up to all his things. I cried, I was unable to help my baby, and it was the worst feeling ever. My body hadn't been strong enough to protect and care for him in utero, and now that he was born I couldn't even go see him on my own.
He was beautiful, and so very small. He was perfect, and he won my heart from the first moment I touched his little hand. I don't know how it works, but I fell in love with him in a moment. I would have gone through it all over again, just to bring him into the world.

life changes in an instant pt 1

On February 18th I went in for a routine prenatal exam. (Or what I thought would be routine.) I had my 4 year old daughter, Eva, with me. My husband had been planning on coming, but got caught up between work and traffic, I told him, "Don't worry about it, I'm fine."

Every visit starts the same; weight, urine, and blood pressure, followed by a list of questions I had begun to memorize. My blood pressure was high, the CNA asked me if it was normally high, and then said the Dr would double check when she came in. The Dr comes in and asks me questions, and double checks my blood pressure. Still high. She then measures my stomach (I was a little small for how far along I was.) and asks if she can check to see if I'm dilated. Then she checks my blood pressure again. Still high. She tells me that she wants to send me over to Labor and Delivery for observation, that they might prescribe bed rest or delivery.

I start crying, I am not ready for this. I am a very active person, I have 3 kids, I manage a business, I have bills to pay and a house to run...who has time for bed rest. And delivery? Please, my mom and sisters didn't have any problems with pregnancies, I am not about to change that trend. Not too mention the baby would be 5 1/2 weeks early, I need that time to mentally prepare.

Eva and I walk over to Labor and Delivery (walking should do wonders for high blood pressure right?) and find out that children under 12 years of age are not allowed due to the flu. I understood why, but at that moment I was frustrated. My life would be changing, and I had no control, nor did I know what to expect. The let me keep Eva with me in the room, but I had to have a plan for her. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to be here for just a couple hours so they can watch my blood pressure come down. So of course I didn't see what the big deal was. I had called my husband who was picking up the big kids from school and then coming to be with me. He had called his mom to see if she could come get Eva. They get me all hooked up to the machine and check my blood pressure every 15 minutes. (If you have ever been through this, it is not relaxing.)

Multiple Dr's come in and introduce themselves to me, asking me question after question. They check my urine again, and all the while I'm trying to stay calm for Eva so that she doesn't get stressed out. My mother-in-law comes to pick Eva up. My husband shows up and we're both thinking this is going to be a quick in and out visit. At most over night. He is with me when they take me to another more permanent room (that should have been my first warning.) and is great, he talks to me and reassures me. They are still checking my blood pressure every 15 minutes, and have mentioned multiple times my swollen feet. I have now had my blood drawn a couple times, and had an IV put in with a magnesium sulfate drip. I have to have help going to the bathroom, they're ordering an ultrasound, and more Dr's come in. During the ultrasound they notice that the baby is breech, and that my fluid level is lower than it should be, but the baby is okay.

My husband leaves, we're both still thinking this will end with me being on bed rest. At 11:30 that night 3 Dr's come in and tell me that my blood pressure is not going down after 9 hours of bed rest. They recommend delivery, and I have two options 1. vaginal or 2. cesarean. If I opted for a vaginal delivery they would have to try to manipulate the baby with their hands to get him in the right position, (he had his feet down) with no guarantee that he would stay that way, because I would be induced it could be anywhere from 3-5 days before I actually gave birth. Keep in mind we have no idea what any of this will do to my blood pressure, or how the baby will handle that kind of stress. If I opt for a cesarean delivery I would have to deal with a 6 week recovery period, surgery and trusting someone to cut into my stomach, and everything else that comes with a major surgery.

I call my husband as soon as the Dr's leave my room and tell him he needs to come to the hospital now. I'm emotional, he's levelheaded and takes charge, finding someone to stay with the kids and planning ahead. He gets to the hospital around 12:30 on Wednesday February 19th. He and I talk for a little bit and then the Dr's come in to explain things to my husband. He and I talk things over and pray about our options. This is not something we wanted to decide on a whim. Not only was there my health to think about, but the health of our baby. We decide to move forward with a cesarean delivery, and at 3:30am I am wheeled back for them to start.

set up for success

Lately I have been listening to and reading books about communicating and relationships. One idea that has come up and stuck with me is setting someone up for success.

For instance, am I setting my husband up for success when I leave hints about what I want instead of coming right out and telling him? No, that's expecting him to understand my hints and hoping that he will decipher them correctly.

Am I setting my children up for success when I force my expectations on them? This last week I had an epiphany concerning the bookshelf in my daughter's room. I had been telling them over and over to have the books standing up, all facing the same way, etc. (I blame the fact that I work at a bookstore.) Well it is hard for a 4 and 6 year old to hold the books up with one hand and put books away with the other hand. I realized that I was only setting them up to fail because I wasn't putting myself in their shoes. So I talked to them about it and we decided that as long as the books are on the bookshelf, I don't care. (I'm still working on that last part.)

Am I setting myself up for success when I make my to-do list so impossibly long that there is no physical way to accomplish everything in a 24 hour period? That is of course leaving no time for any "me" time, sleep or anything remotely relaxing. I'm only setting myself up to be frustrated with myself and then taking that out on the rest of my family. That's not fair to me or them.

What I have learned, and am still learning, is that I need to be more understanding. Maybe my expectations need to be lowered so that they're more attainable. No one is perfect, why do I expect my husband and kids to be? Who is making my to-do list? Me, so why do I get so frustrated when I don't get the entire house cleaned up in one day. Does it matter if the floor isn't swept when visitors come over? No, and if it bothers them, then they need to learn to relax.

I cannot live my life trying to please everyone. First and foremost I need to make sure that I have balance in my life. If I personally am all over the place I can't possibly hope to help my family grow. Once I find personal balance then I can reach out to my husband and help him in what he needs, and my kids, and then friends and extended family. That isn't saying that I neglect those that I love and care about until I'm taken care of, but realizing that I need to take time for myself. It's not selfish, it's for the good of the family and anyone else I come in contact. When I am a better person, I am better able to care for and help others.

introspection

There are some things in life you just won't be 100% prepared for.

Public speaking, moving to a new place, marriage, driving in a new city, a new job, a new baby...just to name a few. My point is that no matter how much you read, practice, study, or research, something unexpected will come up.

When I first spoke in public I was terrified, I'm pretty sure I sped through my speech and thought I was going to throw up. Moving to a new place is always an anxiety causing experience for me. Marriage has been an eye opening experience, to go from being selfish and only thinking about me to wanting and needing to think about someone else. Driving in a new city you start by following the posted speed limit...until you realize that everyone else is going at least 10 mph faster than you. New jobs are always exciting, that is until you realize someone else on the team applied for the position you now have. And then there's the baby...

I started going through all the baby clothes we've received tonight. And it hit me, in not too long of a time I will have given birth and have a baby. A little boy who is completely reliant on myself and my husband for everything. He won't be able to feed, bathe, clothe, change, or even roll himself over for some time. It also struck me how much my Heavenly Father trusts me to allow this little baby boy to come into my life. He trusts me to take care of him and teach him what he needs to know to succeed in life. I pray that I will live up to that trust, that both my Heavenly Father and my little boy are looking down on me with smiles on their faces.

I am far from perfect, when thinking about this new chapter of my life I am even more aware of my inadequacies. But I know that with the Lord's help I will be successful and be able to do the things that matter. I will be able to look at a situation and determine what is good, better, and best and then go do what is best. I know that I will have off days, and then I'll wake up the next morning and try to do better.

Babies don't come with an owners manual. Marriages don't come with a "what-not-to-do list". Everything we do in life is a series of choices, and the consequences of those choices. Life is a series of tests, trials and learning experiences. I can choose to learn from the rough days, or I can choose to allow them to drag me down into thinking I'll never be a good person. There is no way to be completely ready for any situation. The important thing is our attitude about it and how we handle what curve-balls are thrown at us.

vacation? what's that?

Last week I took the kids with me to Spokane, WA to visit my parents. They hadn't been to their house before and I wanted them to be able to spend some time with them. Luckily Matt was eager for some time to focus on work without the distraction of 3 kids running around. :) It was a good trip, the kids did a great job in the car. We got to my parents and they had a blast. They got to stay up later than usual, eat food they don't normally get to eat, play with toys, and be louder than normal. They got to spend time with their cousins, which they absolutely loved. The ride back was great as well, they got to watch 2 movies, listened to an audio book and eat snacks.

Me on the other hand...I was stressing about making sure they didn't get into things at my parents house, that they behaved, and that people would think I am a good parent. (When let's face it, does it really matter what other people think?) By the last night I was exhausted, and eager to be back at work. I missed my husband and the comfort of being at home.

It just goes to show that Dorothy was right, there is no place like home. :)

 

 

This is me with 9 weeks to go. Today is Moebius Syndrome Awareness Day, I have a nephew who has Moebius Syndrome, and purple is the color to show support!

Needless to say, today was a good day. I went to work, got lots done (even though I'll be working tonight), had pizza for dinner and watched a movie with the family. I even showed my support for my nephew Jake who has Moebius Syndrome!

To learn more about Moebius Syndrome you can go to: http://www.moebiussyndrome.com/

cold meals

Since taking the plunge into motherhood I have come to appreciate my own mom so much more. She raised 7 kids, I don't remember ever hearing her complain or grumble about how much time each child took or how little "me" time she got.

She selflessly made meals for 9 people, knowing that some of us wouldn't like it and would complain about it. She did laundry, cleaned the house, went grocery shopping, taught us, gave us baths and so much more. Somehow she still found the time to bake bread and cookies and other non essentials. Then after having some of her children marry and move out (I'm sure she celebrated a little bit) some of them moved back in, this time, with their own children. I have come back to my parents home after moving out, this has happened during times of great need and trial in my life. Never once during that time did my parents make me feel unwanted or unloved. All they wanted was for me to learn the lesson I needed to learn at that time, sometimes this took a while.

Sadly enough, I am not nearly as selfless as my mom. I grumble, sometimes I complain, I occasionally yell, and sometimes I wish I had a lot more "me" time. Many nights all I want is to eat a hot meal, without the kids constantly asking for something. All too often I take my frustrations with work or other things out on my family. Why do I do that? Why is it okay for me to yell at my kids because work didn't go as smoothly as I would have liked? Well, it's not. I am constantly reminded that I need to do better.

One thing I want to work on during 2014 is to strengthen my relationship with my kids and my husband. To be more patient and understanding with them. To not have unrealistic expectations for them. Along with that, I need to be more patient with myself. I am not perfect, nor will I ever be in this life. I make mistakes, my kids make mistakes, and that is okay. Now for the goal of eating a hot meal. :)

merry christmas from the veil family

I realize it is Christmas day today, and I'm just now writing my Christmas letter. At least it's not the day after Christmas. :)

Eva: Is a 4 year old bundle of energy. She loves to help any way that she can, especially in the kitchen. She loves to play dress up and be a princess, but she does not like having things in her hair and ends up pulling them out by dinner time. She likes to spend time with Daddy in the garage, swing on the play set, sing Primary songs and play with anything princess related. She loves going to Primary on Sundays and is looking forward to going to school like her older siblings. We're looking forward to teaching her the ABC's and helping her recognize the letters. :)

Emma: At 6 years old, she is too smart for her own good. She loves going to kindergarten and has an amazing memory for songs and rhymes. She comes home singing the songs they've learned for the different letters and colors. She is becoming more independent, but loves to spend time with the family. She is very inquisitive and is always asking questions. Emma also loves to sing Primary songs, usually when she's using the bathroom. We're going to be working on reading and sharing more. :)

Jack: He has had a lot of awesome things happen this year. He was baptized a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in August, started cub-scouts, made new friends at his new school and is looking forward to turning 9 in January. He is in the 3rd grade and excels at reading. He loves Pokemon and Ninjago. He tends to like to play by himself since his sisters are into princesses and dress-up. He likes to ride his bike, play outside and spend time with Daddy.

Matt: Has been amazingly busy with work. His company has really grown over the past 6 months. He is excited for the new year to hire new people and implement all the different processes and operations. In his spare time he likes to barbecue, work in the yard, exercise, and experiment in the kitchen. (He is actually a really good cook.)

Katie: Has also been amazingly busy with work. I am now 6 months pregnant, due on March 29th, 2014. I am excited and apprehensive. I am looking forward to the new year so that I can go through the mounds of baby stuff I have received from my sister. In what little spare time I have I like to read, crochet and eat chocolate. (I have to be pretty quick about the last one, if I'm too slow Matt eats it.) I have struggled this year with patience between work and home. There have been a lot of changes that have come my way this year, I'd like to think that I've handled them with grace. Matt and the kids have been so supportive and encouraging. The kids are very patient with me when I act less than loving towards them.

2014 will be a big year for us. We're looking forward to many things, including; a new addition to our family in March, purchasing a van (YAY!), big things happening with the business, Katie being at home more, being sealed as a family in the Portland Temple of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, Adam Veil coming home from his mission in Bogota, Colombia and so much more. All of that will be happening in the first 6 months of the year. Somewhere in there we might slow down a little, but not often. We are a busy family who struggles with all the normal things. Above all though we love each other and have fun.

We share with each of you our belief in Jesus Christ as our Savior and Redeemer. Our knowledge that families can be together forever, that each of us can be saved through the Atonement of our elder brother, Jesus Christ. May you all draw closer to your family members and Christ at this time of year, and remember him at all times.

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

10 lessons learned...from McDonalds?

Around 3 weeks ago I was sitting on the couch at church and overheard a young man say that he worked at Burger King as a "burger flipper". The man he was talking to said, "Well it's a job." I piped up and said, "There's nothing wrong with being a 'burger flipper', I worked at McDonald's for 5 years and loved it." The look I received wasn't very appreciative. :)

I've thought about that a lot since then. What, exactly, is so wrong with working at McDonald's or another fast food establishment? People look down on it because it's not a job that requires a degree, or the fact that they think "they hire anyone" or...well who knows.

I started working at McDonald's during my senior year of High School because I needed a way to pay for car insurance and gas. I thought I would work the year after I graduated and then go to school. Well, I was offered a management position and stuck with it. I became a shift manager, assistant manager, and finally store manager. I was able to go to 5 separate training classes that went over a multitude of subjects ranging from how to manage people to how to offer the best customer service.

I think everyone should experience a customer service related job at some point in their life, and here's why;

1. I learned how to work hard. I cleaned toilets, mopped floors, emptied garbage's, dealt with rude customers, cleaned up after their messy kids and many, many other things. 
2. I learned how to handle difficult situations. I had people swear at me because we charged $0.10 for extra sauce, people that threw their sandwiches at me because we had forgotten to take the pickles off, I had employees who showed up late and didn't want to work as hard as everyone else.
3. I learned to be respectful of others. I absolutely hated cleaning up after messy customers. I vowed after working at McDonald's that I would never make someone's job more difficult.
4. I learned that my job doesn't revolve around me. It is not my employer's job to work around my schedule. I receive my schedule from work and plan other things around that.
5. I learned that parent's need to cut the umbilical cord and let their teen's be responsible. Many times when I was a manager I would have to explain to a parent that I didn't employ them, I employ their child. I don't have to communicate with them or get their permission. Parent's should not make excuses for their children, especially once they hit their teens.
6. I learned to focus and get the job done. If I am at work, I am there to work. I'm not there to socialize or loaf around. If I wanted to do that, I wouldn't have a job.
7. I learned to take pride in what I accomplished. There is nothing wrong with looking at something you've done and being excited and wanting to share it with those close to you. This motivates and pushes people forward.
8. I learned to look for the positive. Everyone has difficulties. What matters is how we handle it. Sometimes we don't have any control over what happens to us, but what we do have control over is our attitude and how we respond to our situation. Me being negative because I ran into traffic on my way to work is not going to change that fact, nor is it going to help anyone else around me be in a good mood.
9. I learned that I have an impact. Whether it's on those around me or on my situation, I can make a difference.
10. I learned that there is more to life than a paycheck. I quit McDonald's because I had reached my highest potential there. I needed to leave to move forward personally. Sometimes we have to make difficult decisions to better ourselves.

I believe these lessons can be learned from any job, but especially a food service or a retail position. Those tend to get some of the best and worst customers.

So the next time someone says they work at McDonald's, or Burger King, or WalMart, don't make them feel bad about it.